It has been a week since I became the Chosen One of The Almighty. As it appears that this may greatly shorten my life expectancy, I decided now was a good time to take a stab at writing my memoirs. When that didn’t work, I removed the dagger from the paper and started writing my memoirs instead.
I have learned quite a lot in my seven days of herodom. The monsters of the realm all seem to have rather silly names. I believe the monsterologists must be heavy drinkers. I have learned that my personal deity likes to yell a lot. I learned that there is always another quest waiting for me. A hero’s work is never done and all that. Most importantly, I’ve learned where the taverns are.
I am now two weeks in to whatever this is and a lot has happened. I have randomly joined the Holy Random guild. I hope this will somehow help me to survive the ever present danger that my God subjects me to. At least he is willing to resurrect me when I fail to overcome the insurmountable odds.
Speaking of which, I died the other day. The experience was quite unpleasant. Being dead was very boring, just waiting around for my God to notice and resurrect me. What is the point of these endless quests? The ultimate goal is, apparently, to build a temple to my God. And it seems that it must be built using rare gold bricks. It couldn’t be built out of some material that I could pick up at the local Castle Depot store. I need a beer.
It’s been three weeks now and the quests show no sign of ending. I am currently on a quest to fix the hole in the ozone layer by using duct tape. How do the quest givers always know when I am drunk enough to agree to something that silly? How am I supposed to accomplish something like that? Where am I going to find that much duct tape? If I find the duct tape, I am going to need a seriously tall ladder. And a beer… definitely gonna need a beer…possibly several.
Continued completing what appear to be pointless quests, but that I am sure are, in fact, necessary to the fulfillment of my God’s ineffable plan. I got into a fight with another God’s hero today. I am concerned that I may be developing an anger management problem. I might need to seek the help of a professional to deal with my issues. So I’m off to find the nearest bartender.
After many hours of liquid therapy, I am feeling much better about myself. I now realize how awesome I am and that any issues must obviously belong to someone else. The other guy must have started it over his justifiable jealousy of my undeniable superiority. This drink has cleared my mind and allowed me to see the universal truth. I think I’ll have another.
I have finally realized that there is no God. How could a god sit idly by while his most devoted worshiper goes through such torment. I have gone through trials and tribulations, without really knowing what that second word means, all in my God’s name. I have completed quest after quest to further his cause and now, in my time of greatest need, he has abandoned me. WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME! Are my tears comical to you? Do you enjoy seeing me in such anguish? There is no God! There is no…wait a minute…there’s where I left my beer…never mind.
I have a pet now. A ninja tortoise that I have named Dino. He seems to really enjoy chewing on things, which can be good or bad. Viciously gnawing on a monster’s leg…good ninja tortoise. Eating a valuable artifact from my pouch…bad ninja tortoise. Having a pet is a responsibility that I take very seriously. I have made it my solemn task to teach my pet to fetch me a beer. I will not rest until he learns this vital skill.
I have been joining a group of heroes from Godville’s Regiment in their weekly competition. Each week, they select a target creature, and the hero that kills the most monsters, wins. They are a great bunch of heroes and I have been having a lot of fun. This week, I actually won, and was awarded the coveted title of Godville’s Apprentice. I shall humbly accept this award with quiet dignity and grace. TO THE TAVERN!!!
Another day, another quest. This is quest number seventy. So I am on my seventieth quest and I have accumulated seventy six gold bricks. That means that I am averaging just over one brick per quest. If I need one thousand gold bricks to complete the temple to my god, then I am going to have to go on… let’s see now… if we do the math… carry the one… multiply by the square root of blue… divide by the average airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow… a lot more quests. I’m going to the tavern. Maybe the math will look better if I count it out with beer mugs.
I don’t want to talk about it. Seriously, just go away and leave me alone. I’m going to sit here and drink until I can’t remember what it is I don’t want to talk about. See you next week.
I’ve collected 100 gold bricks now. I still have a long way to go, but it is starting to feel like I am finally accomplishing something. I am beginning to think about the overall design of the temple. On some days, when I am filled with love for my God, I envision a huge, Gothic cathedral with majestic arches and flying buttresses. On other days I feel like the jerk will have to make due with a big ugly block.
I have been thinking of ways to keep myself motivated to collect more bricks. I have decided the best way is to make a drinking game out of it. So, from now on, every time I’m in a town, I will drink a beer for each brick I have collected so far. 100 beers should get me pretty drunk, but I can’t wait for that 1000 beer night!
My days have become very routine. Get a quest. In the process of performing the quest, fight a lot of monsters. Either kill the monsters and take their money and/or artifacts, or get beat up and run away. Occasionally, get killed( I really hate that part) and await resurrection. When my loot bag is full or I get tired of being punched in the face, return to town. While in town, get healed, sell stuff, buy stuff, pray, and get seriously drunk( I really like that part). Continue the questing and fighting. Eventually complete the quest. Get another quest and start all over. I need to find a way to alleviate the boredom. Maybe I’ll try drinking left handed.
The New Year is fast approaching and I am trying to decide on a good resolution. I want my resolution to be meaningful and to be one that I might actually follow through on. I could take the easy way out and resolve to drink more, but I am not sure that it is humanly possible. I would have to learn how to drink while I’m passed out. My God would probably like for me to resolve to stop wasting money. The problem here is in our different views on what is wasteful. I seriously needed that chainmail snuggie. Exercising more is a very popular resolution, but between fighting ferocious monsters and running away as fast as my legs will carry me, I feel like I’m getting enough exercise. I’ll have to think about this a little more. I’ll head on over to the local tavern, that’s where I get my best ideas.
While I was fighting an evil Godvillain, my ninja tortoise valiantly attacked the fiend and was promptly knocked out. I knew that reviving him was extremely important and swiftly put this down as number 2 on my to-do list. Somehow, I never could get past the number 1 item on my list, get drunk. I, therefore, failed to revive Dino in time. As he had lost his desire to fight and grow, I reluctantly released him back into the wild. My sadness and loneliness are threatening to completely overwhelm me. I don’t know what I’m going to do next. Let me check my to-do list… oh… I’m supposed to get drunk.
I have a new pet! It’s a Vogon Poet that I have named Toto! Wait, what? A Vogon Poet? Seriously? An ugly, officious bureaucrat spouting excruciatingly awful poetry? That’s what I chose for a pet? I must seriously be losing my mind. Even being completely drunk couldn’t excuse this type of mental lapse. Is it actually possible to drink enough that a Vogon would look cute? Is there enough alcohol in all of Godville to accomplish such a feat? I guess the only thing I can do now is find out. C’mon Toto. Let’s go find that tavern.
I was commanded by my deity to join the Ankh-Morpork City Watch guild. I had no plans to go on a long and dangerous quest and change guilds, but my God insisted. Apparently he is having way too much fun drinking and carousing with the other Gods from this guild. Wait a minute! The other Gods are real? I thought there was only one true God. I’ve been making fun of all the other heroes for worshiping false Gods. Now you tell me they actually do exist. I am having a major crisis of faith right now, Holy One. If you weren’t a God of beer, I would have serious trouble believing in you. But I shall always believe in beer. Beer is good! Beer is nice! I believe in the beer! I believe I’ll have a beer! I believe I’ll have a lot of beer! Ahhh… Crisis over.
I am wearing invisible pants. I don’t really know what to say about this. The pants are invisible. You can see right through them. They are really there, I can feel them, take them on and off, and they keep me warm. Every time I sober up, I find a mirror to see what equipment I bought. Most of the time I am surprised by my purchases, but I never imagined invisible pants.
Looking at the rest of my equipment gives me mixed feelings. I am wearing a skull mask, which is a little weird but kinda cool at the same time. I have a steam-powered exoskeleton that I rather like but keeping the boiler lit during a battle could prove difficult. I seem to have acquired two rings, a broken promise ring and a decoder ring. I guess I’m prepared in case anyone sends me a secret message. I am using a personal-space bubble as a shield because we all know how well monsters respect our personal space. My current weapon of choice is a set of lightsaber nunchucks. This has got to be the most awesome thing ever, but I have no idea how I’m going to use them without chopping off my own hands.
I’m not sure what to do about these strange buying habits. I’m certainly not going to stop drinking, so the trend will probably continue. Perhaps I should stop sobering up. Sobriety only seems to lead to bitter disappointment. If I stay drunk, these purchases will continue to seem like a good idea and I can stay happy. So I’m off to the tavern to drink until I’m content with my equipment. It’ll probably take a lot of beer to get over theses invisible pants.
I got nothing.
I started training to be a watchman. So far, there’s been a lot of thinking involved. I didn’t know I’d have to do all this thinking. I would never have become a hero if I knew there’d be thinking. I thought I’d just have to fight and drink and die and get resurrected and drink and fight some more and run away and drink some more… well, you get the idea. I’m pretty sure I didn’t get picked for my thinking skills. I think I’ll put my drinking skills to use. Wow, that was a good idea. My thinking ability is getting better.
AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ohhh, man check this out. The guild is having a Valentine’s Day party and they sent my God out to invite the other guilds. HAHAHA! Wait, wait, here’s the good part! He was dressed as Cupid! He was only wearing a diaper and a pair of wings. OH HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA! OH man this is killing me. HAHAHA! You shoulda seen his face! AHHH HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA!