Edgallagher999 was born on a planet called this planet. Not this planet that we are on now, but this planet. The name of this planet is this planet. Edgallagher999 was called Edgallagher999 because every person on the planet out of all of one thousand was called Edgallagher with a number at the end, 1 being the King and 1000 being the un-evolved primate. Edgallagher999 was thus very stupid, and bad at everything. Anyway, on with the story!
On this planet, far far away, in a time long forgotten, Edgallagher999 was born. Many years on, on this planet, a debate was held about the wisdom of this action. it was decided that it was a grave mistake, so they teleported him through time and space to a planet called Godville.
On Godville Edgallagher999 found a paradox version of himself, and decided to worship him as a god. This so called god decided it was annoying and beat Edgallagher999 to almost-death. But the hero quickly found another paradox, who liked being worshipped. From this the god Edgallagher999 was formed.
In a rather strange dream, for Edgallagher999 had eaten some funny food, a foul-smelling man came up to him and gave him a golden brick. On the golden brick a message was inscribed. It read “Build me a golden temple, my noob!” Edgallagher999 woke up and found his pillow had transformed into a golden brick! he quickly went to the pub and swapped it for some beer.
After he had done this, while hungover, he had the same dream again. But this time the golden brick had an inscription on it: “BUILD ME A TEMPLE, NOT BUY SOME BOOZE!”. The pub owners didn’t want a silly inscription on their bricks and refused to swap it. From this day he decided to build a temple.
After a while, the not-so-nooby hero decided he wanted a guild to be part of. So he joined “The Seven Dragons”, but after a while his god got bored of this and made him join the “Knights who say Ni” guild, for his god was a big monty python fan.
One day, Ed met a powerful dust bunny, and he beat it in battle, but the bunny somehow convinced him to let it live, in return for not very much. It has since been very troublesome, not helping much and stealing only the rarest items from his inventory. He decided to name it woody, after his favourite brand of beer. It was only later he discovered that this beer was named after a dust bunny.
One cold winters day in the harsh, windy night, Ed developed an affection for the arena, going whenever his god was fully charged, and faithfully (or not so faithfully) watching his hero fight for money, fame, and more importantly, a golden brick. Unfortunately he often encountered other heroes, whose gods spend unreasonable amounts of money on extra energy, availible in bursts that give them up to 2 influences (those who are gods know I am talking about charges, those who have beaten me have clearly bought too many). These heroes were strong, and always won. They were also very mean.
In his spare time Ed enjoys drinking, going to see concerts, buying armour and wasting his not-so-hard-earned cash. He also practises his combat skills in the deepest, darkest depths of hell. Against a practice dummy. You might have guessed he’s not the brightest spark. If you haven’t guessed yet, you could take his place!
Sadly, Ed decided to practice… THE DARK ARTS on his pet and the results were… shall we say Ed needed a new pet. So he found a Rocky Racoon called Tigger. However, you are forgetting that elephants never forget, but Ed is not an elephant. Sadly, THE DARK ARTS were practised, in a very dark art studio. The result started what is now known as modern art.
Ed luckily found a new pet, that hadn’t heard tales of his unbelievable cruelty and decided to join him. This pet is now dead, because some said that THE DARK ARTS struck a few weeks ago. Ed quoted “Well i can just stay in the sunlight, so it’s ok.” The words of a true madman.
Sadly, when Ed wasn’t looking another hero snuck into his house and performed a twenty hit combo on Simba (who was a bipolar bear). But now, Ed has another bipolar bear… and he’s called Simba again! Surely it is a sign from the heavens! Or just luck…
Sadly, Simba was slain by an ANGEL OF DEBT while trying to protect his master. What the ignorant master didn’t know is that Simba was actually trying to die, as Ed was (and still is) such a bad master. He has now gone to heaven- not all of us are lucky enough to have gods that constantly resurrect them!
But the next pet Ed got would surely be better, stronger, more loyal, invincible! He went by the name of… BEHEMOTH! quite scary, eh? and he was a fearsome… Dandy Lion? Eh? What? How can something that sounds so scary be that… Dandy? Ah well, let’s hope he lives up to his name!
Behemoth is the best pet Ed has ever had in terms of levelling, passing the level 20 barrier with (relative) ease and only 2 deaths.
Sadly, a monster knocked Behemoth out and Ed decided to spend all his money on drowning his sorrows in the bar, instead of reviving his beloved pet. When Behemoth woke up, he had lost the ability to level and (seemingly) all intelligence. Although Ed had a pet of the same IQ as him, he still missed his pet’s ability to level… So he threw Behemoth out onto the streets. Aww, how cute.
While out battling monsters and doing heroic deeds, Ed defeated an animal unlike any other he had defeated before. In honour of this, he tamed it and named it…………………………. TOTO!!!!!!! Woohoo, Toto the solar bear! Ermmmm….. Not a great name…
One day, while Ed was wandering around, he saw a prince from the far off lands of (epic soundtrack). This prince from (epic soundtrack) asked for a small bit of cash so he could transfer billions of gold bricks to Godville. Ed, being so kind, gave him his life savings, and to this day continues to give him almost all his hard-earned money, despite having never heard of (epic soundtrack). Hmmm…
05:49: The trader suddenly congratulated me for being the first anniversary customer and awarded me with a mystery box. 05:49: The trader was so surprised to see my mystery box, he immediately shelled out 737 coins for the worthless thing. NOOOOOO my mystery box!
06:35: I’ve managed to count all the coins in the wishing well. My titanic efforts were rewarded with a golden brick and some pocket change! My hero counted all the coins, but only got some pocket change?
09:34: Disarmed the Wi-Fly. I wonder what I should do with this arm… Hey Woody, fetch! 09:39: The Wi-Fly crossed the river Styx. My dust bunny has to cross the river Styx just to play fetch?
02:04: It seems that ‘gnashing of teeth’ is just the right skill for killing the Pollen-Allergic Bee. 02:06: Distracted the Pollen-Allergic Bee with my amazing dance moves. While it was busy applauding, I slipped away. Why not kill it with gnashing of teeth?
02:11: Slipped and fell into a puddle. Lost the golden ticket. Not another activatable artifact!
Quest no 100: Challenge Death to a chess game 100 quests :D
08:38: When the trader saw my bag of filthy prawns, the look on his face was almost worth the 184 coins he gave me for it. Eww…
04:49: During our last rest stop, Woody performed some gothic dances in honor of the god of monsters. Please forgive him, Omnipotent One. Noooo! Not my woody!
04:45: I suppose this is a good place to put one foot in front of the other. Let’s go! Because he hasn’t completed that quest at all when he’s just walking along… Imbecile!
02:47: The Bulletproof Zeit Geist cried ‘I was attacking in self defense!’ and vanished. Received 5 gold coins and a license to kill. Self-defence? A license to kill? Yeah right.
08:57: The Serial Self-killer screamed ‘I said I was sorry!’ for the last time and died. Found a certificate of moderate sanity and 9 gold coins. Moderate INsanity more like.
08:52: In the name of my Lord, I swear that as soon as I put two milestones between the Procrastinator and myself, I will start to show more courage! Procrastinating about a procrastinator…
09:15: Took 12 coins from the Earworm’s body. Wonder where it got all this gold from. Bank robbery? 12 from a bank? You really are as thick as a brick…
09:43: A couple of townsfolk recalled my guild miracles and gave me a pouchful of experience. I was trying to melt a brick… I had to use 4 charges… At least my guild is better off!
Lego sword +22 and Lego-shield +20 2 pieces of lego? What a noob.
11:18: Bought some new stuff – backpack with holes for just 81 gold coins. Backpack with holes +17. +17 isn’t bad for 81 coins. Not bad at all.
QUEST 1000 Journey there and back again (epic)