Hero

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Akhorn

level 61

Look out! Stinky stag!

Age 11 years 1 month
Personality neutral
Guild no guild
Monsters Killed about 111 thousand
Death Count 79
Wins / Losses 17 / 26
Temple Completed at 01/22/2015
Wood for Ark 35.3%
Savings 1M, 259k (4.2%)
Pet Double dragon Buck

Equipment

Weapon spam grenade +70
Shield shield of invincibility +68
Head shroud of clarity +70
Body central parka +70
Arms Paci-Fist +70
Legs knickerbockers of glory +70
Talisman mortal coil +70

Skills

  • acid tears level 36
  • quantum fireball level 32
  • heel grip level 31
  • bloody itch level 30
  • somersault squatting level 28
  • pathological honesty level 27
  • golden vein level 26
  • glance of Kaa level 23
  • sober view level 22
  • cash whistle level 21

Pantheons

Gratitude8506
Templehood11116

Achievements

  • Builder, 1st rank
  • Favorite, 1st rank
  • Animalist, 2nd rank
  • Martyr, 2nd rank
  • Renegade, 2nd rank
  • Saint, 2nd rank
  • Shipwright, 2nd rank
  • Careerist, 3rd rank
  • Champion, 3rd rank
  • Hunter, 3rd rank

Hero's Chronicles

Akhorn was once the Sorcerer-Lord of an ancient kingdom, now lost far in the mists of time. When the great wave of Locaha came and threatened to destroy the kingdom, Akhorn used all of his magical skill in order to freeze it solid. The force and repercussions of this spell were so great that not only did it awake the god Dragolord from his sleep of aeons in his high seat in the Darklands and cause him to once again take an interest in the mortal plane, but also caused Akhorn to sleep for a thousand years and, once he awoke, believe that he is a hero whose purpose in life is to get so drunk that he stays inebriated permanently. Akhorn firmly believes in the power of his almighty God Dragolord. It is with these words Akhorn greeted Dragolord for the first time: 16:36: The sun shone brightly down from the sky and blinded me. The intensity swept me out of my body. Looking around, I found myself standing in an endless field of grass. A benevolent spirit appeared and winked at me. When I returned to my body, I felt renewed. The said benevolent spirit has aided Akhorn in his time of need many times: 17:58: A divine messenger brought a refill for my life bar. Thank you, Most Righteous One! Akhorn also has the power of time-space manipulation. 18:08: Fell through a hole in the fabric of space-time. Climbed back out again. No big deal. Akhorn decided to join the Guardians of the Arx guild. He is currently a Advisor rank member, but is quickly working his way up the ranks. This is Akhorn’ s first post in his guild’s Guild Council: Nice miracle, Barrasci. With these immortal words, he ushered in a new age of glory and honour. Akhorn has a pet, nay not just any pet, but the most fearsome beast in all the land: 02:50: I looked into the kind eyes of the vanquished monster and suddenly decided — Dust Bunny, you’ll be my pet! And I’ll call you Simba. Bandaged his wounds, gave him a treat and fastened the leash. 15:21: Simba just shed his skin! Wait, does a dust bunny do that? Anyway, he looks bigger, meaner and cleaner now. 18:31: Thought for a moment I heard Simba say ‘For Godville!’, but he was just coughing up a furball. 16:03: At least Simba is trying to preserve my body with salt. And pepper. And a dash of paprika… Almighty, please resurrect me soon! 07:31: Simba is hanging onto my leg and begging for food. Sorry, now is not a good time; there’s a Card-Carrying Villain ahead. 07:34: A wayward lightning bolt singed Simba’s fur into an even cuter hairdo. He looks upset but very stylish. 14:07: Simba glowed and his eyes sparkled. It seems that my brute just achieved a new level. 20:13: Simba almost leapt off a cliff while chasing a herd of lemmings. Oh, what if he had fallen?! 20:27: I’m in the middle of something, Almighty, but leave your message with Simba and I’ll get back to you. 20:34: Simba stopped and began to write something in the dust with his tail. I managed to decipher some words: ‘Pray.’ 07:00: Simba fetched a dead rat from somewhere and proudly laid it at my feet. What is this, a sacrifice? 13:20: My pet Simba brought me a bottle of headline water from somewhere. I’d better use it right away. What a clever pet he is! 08:00: Caught a cold and gave it to Simba to play with. 14:35: Simba growled at the trader. The trader swallowed nervously and gave us a generous price. 16:11: My lovely Simba decided that it was time to flee… I couldn’t agree more. 08:08: Filled a big pot with all my gold, and suddenly a rainbow appeared. Huh, so that’s how it works? 08:09: An incredibly beautiful rainbow crossed the sky above me. Thanks Almighty One, but I prefer my miracles to be a bit more personal.

11:55: I laughed in the face of Danger, but stopped out of pity when it started to cry. Gave it a pat on the back to cheer it up again.

11:56: I told the Hamburglar to stay dead this time. It told me not to waste my new St Elmo’s fire extinguisher. We both laughed.

21:55: The Frankenfurter raised its hand for a deadly final strike against me, when Simba suddenly threw himself under its feet. The monster stumbled and fell dead on the ground, its neck broken. Simba was knocked out by the impact of the monster’s carcass. Oh, my Lord, if I don’t bring him back to his senses in time, he’ll lose all his levels and his will to compete!

09:55: I didn’t manage to heal up my pet’s wound in time. Well, Simba, your regenerating abilities will help you to recover, but I think level-ups and pantheons are not for you anymore. On the other hand, who needs those silly things anyway?

14:28: I heard that if you love someone, you should set them free. I released Simba into the wild to pursue his hopes and dreams. Meanwhile, I’m off to pursue all my greatest ambitions, in the tavern.

I’ll always miss you, Simba. I LOVE YOU!!!!!!

06:53: I looked into the kind eyes of the vanquished monster and suddenly decided — Ninja Tortoise, you’ll be my pet! And I’ll call you Dino. Bandaged his wounds, gave him a treat and fastened the leash.

16:22: Tripped over a rock. Had a nice nap. 16:24: I was lying under a rock reading myself my last rites when a Bird of Paradise flew up my nose. Hey! I suddenly feel much better!

18:20: Removed the Crypto-Knight’s liver. My needs are greater than its and I’m sure it can live witho… oh. Oops. Well I guess it won’t be needing this tip of an iceberg lettuce and 24 coins either. 18:32: The pain in my liver has suddenly vanished. Thank you, Almighty. Now I don’t have to quit drinking!

10:55: I have placed the sign where it was needed and then turned it to the opposite direction. 10:55: My quest to put the sign ‘100 milestones to Godville’ in the proper place has been completed! Received some experience and a wish for good luck.

22:55: The Space vader raised its hand for a deadly final strike against me, when Dino suddenly threw himself under its feet. The monster stumbled and fell dead on the ground, its neck broken. Dino was knocked out by the impact of the monster’s carcass. Oh, my Lord, if I don’t bring him back to his senses in time, he’ll lose all his levels and his will to compete!

10:55: I didn’t manage to heal up my pet’s wound in time. Well, Dino, your regenerating abilities will help you to recover, but I think level-ups and pantheons are not for you anymore. On the other hand, who needs those silly things anyway?

17:20: I heard that if you love someone, you should set them free. I released Dino into the wild to pursue his hopes and dreams. Meanwhile, I’m off to pursue all my greatest RE, in the tavern.

06:44: I looked into the kind eyes of the vanquished monster and suddenly decided — Bipolar Bear, you’ll be my pet! And I’ll call you Dino. Bandaged his wounds, gave him a treat and fastened the leash.

18:01: Dino suddenly flew into a rage and breathed fire at the opponent. We were all shocked, even Dino himself. What other hidden talents does my pet have?

04:51: Dino just shed his skin! Wait, does a bipolar bear do that? Anyway, he looks bigger, meaner and cleaner now.

17:25: Dino sat on the sidelines, batting his eyelashes and looking super cute. As soon as the monster’s back was turned, Dino struck it from behind with a crowbar. Good bipolar bear, you’ve always been very crafty.

15:09: Dino just shed his skin! Wait, does a bipolar bear do that? Anyway, he looks bigger, meaner and cleaner now.

17:59: I love having a bipolar bear; it’s like pretending to be a god.

06:12: Dino flew into action and landed strike after strike on the Worthy Opponent. Look at my bipolar bear go!

11:15: Dino nibbled on the Animaniac’s feet, causing massive tickling damage.

07:18: The Slim Reaper tried to twist my pet’s tail into a bow, but received a vicious bite instead! Yes, Dino can stand up for himself.

17:28: Dino, attack! Err… sit. Stay. Watch me fight this Tanned Spag-Yeti alone.

18:02: I’ve been trying to teach Dino to perform tricks, so I rewarded his successful backflip with my jar of aging cream. He doesn’t know what it’s for, but he likes the pretty colors.

19:49: Practiced my haggling skills with Dino. Somehow ended up giving him my lunch.

19:58: Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

20:00: Ah, Los Demonos. I remember this place from last time. I hope they don’t remember me.

17:31: Played a game of fetch with Dino and somehow lost. I think I need to come up with a new strategy next time.

06:25: Threw a stick for Dino to fetch. He brought back a femur instead. I wonder who it belongs to…

06:03: The equipment merchant told me that animals were not allowed in the shop. I guess I’ll manage without new gear; I don’t want to leave Dino alone out in the street.

16:39: Chased the Plastic Sturgeon with Dino running alongside me. We would have finished him off but in his haste he dropped a monster magnet. You just can’t leave that kind of loot lying on the ground.

13:25: As Dino began to glow and grow, fleas jumped out of his fur and performed an elaborate celebratory dance number. Why don’t they do that when I level up!

17:13: Oh no! Dino just ate the mole-extracting shovel. Silly bipolar bear.

06:16: I feel like Dino is trying to tell me something. What exactly could it be?

12:14: It seems that the Deliverator has never fought a beast as amazing as my bipolar bear. Come on Dino! Show it what you’re made of!

13:18: My beloved Dino crept up behind the monster and barked loudly. Judging by the shocked look on its face, the Star-crossed Astrologist might need a new pair of pants now.

13:45: Dino squealed loudly and charged the enemy. The Epic Flailer desperately fought back, but my bipolar bear is a pretty tough opponent.

15:18: Found Dino sleeping at the temple construction site with a pile of 416 gold coins lying next to him. Seems he was doing some preaching in your honor, Almighty.

16:10: Laid down under a tree to die from severe wounds. Came back to my senses as Dino was performing CPR on me.

18:35: Dino, give that invisible warning sign back to me! Give it back now! Um… Okay, eat it up then, it’s already broken.

19:24: The guild doctor transplanted a Beer Golem’s liver in place of my own. Can’t wait to test it out in the local tavern!

08:44: Dino rushed forward and slashed at the enemy’s face, giving me a chance to catch my breath.

09:33: My wily bipolar bear jumped on the monster from behind. The Cereal Killer accused my little pet of cheating.

17:43: Dino enthusiastically attacked the enemy’s purse. Silly creature! He should have carefully removed it instead of tearing it to shreds and scattering all the coins around…

20:23: The Space Invader raised its hand for a deadly final strike against me, when Dino suddenly threw himself under its feet. The monster stumbled and fell dead on the ground, its neck broken. Dino was knocked out by the impact of the monster’s carcass. Oh, my Lord, if I don’t bring him back to his senses in time, he’ll lose all his levels and his will to compete!

02:58: A high priest rolled up his sleeves and slapped Dino, instantly bringing my beloved bipolar bear back to consciousness! At least, I think he was a priest… Paid him 2127 coins anyway. Oh Dino, how I’ve missed you!

07:53: Dino glowed and his eyes sparkled. It seems that my brute just achieved a new level.

16:12: After Dino lapped up a full saucer of health elixir, he kept on begging for a second serving. Hmm, it seems that his tired little body needs a boost.

18:04: I’m worried that my bipolar bear is hanging with a bad crowd. What should I do, Omnipotent One?

18:17: The Boogy Knight was sliced into ribbons. Dino is trying to pilfer a piece for himself. I’d better teach him not to chew on dead bodies.

17:04: It would be great if Dino could run to town to grab some potions… and snacks. All right, I’ll go myself. I’m not above running my own errands.

18:43: Dino barked loudly and charged the enemy. The Royal Jellyfish desperately fought back, but my bipolar bear is a pretty tough opponent.

07:47: Woke up to find Dino sleeping on the foot of my bed, twitching his legs as he dreamed. Wonder what grand adventure my little buddy is having.

08:03: The Panzer Dragon yelled, ‘I saw you cheating!’ and vaporized into thin air, leaving some laughing matter on the ground.

11:26: My wily bipolar bear jumped on the monster from behind. The Godville Administrator let out a girlish scream. Now it looks pretty embarrassed…

12:07: Hey look, Mighty One, the skeleton of my first ever corpse… wait a minute! Dino, come back with that!

12:22: My wily bipolar bear jumped on the monster from behind. The Rockin’ Troll looks pretty embarrassed for some reason.

12:33: My Dino puffed out his muscular chest and jumped around, confusing the monster. Just like I do!

13:00: When I finally dispatched the Snake Oil Salesman, Dino tore its head off and found a wind rose.

13:03: Fell down a well and told Dino to get help. He came rushing back with Dougdave, who jumped down to save me! We’ve been stuck here for hours now, and it looks like we may even have to use the ladder.

14:48: The more monsters I meet, the more I love my Dino.

15:05: Oh no! Dino just ate the participation ribbon. Silly bipolar bear.

15:26: We should give thanks to the Cash Cow: it just provided food for Dino for days!

18:58: Dino suddenly perked up attentively and barked. Then he rushed into the bushes and pulled out a package of instant karma. What a clever pet!

19:32: Dino growled at the trader. The trader swallowed nervously and gave us a generous price.

20:27: Dino proudly laid a dead Chalk Outline at my feet and wagged his tail. I told him that it was nice and all, but I preferred my sacrifices to be paid in gold.

08:33: “A happy bipolar bear means a happy hero.” is what I shall keep telling myself until Dino is done destroying my bull’s eyeglasses.

09:44: Having been bitten by Dino, the Postmortem Graduate felt outnumbered and definitely lost its will to fight.

16:25: The Eight-bit Thief showed me its big heart when it offered to make amends for its wrongs. Now Dino has a new chew toy and I have 3 coins.

20:56: Well done, clever bipolar bear! He stopped, dug into the ground and unearthed 79 coins. I’m going to use it to buy him a new collar, encrusted with rhinestones.

16:26: Dino squealed loudly and charged the enemy. The Dust Bunny desperately fought back, but my bipolar bear is a pretty tough opponent.

16:51: My wily bipolar bear jumped on the monster from behind. The Hypnopotamus began to teeter, and didn’t look all that good in general.

18:33: Involuntarily kicked the Tempered Glass Dragon to death. Hey, that must be the same reflex as when the doctor tapped my knee! Snatched a kernel of corny wisdom and 102 coins from its remains… there’s nothing wrong with my loot reflex.

18:45: My wily bipolar bear jumped on the monster from behind. The Kill Joy begged for mercy, but my pet hasn’t got any. Get him, boy!

17:25: Got Dino to haul me around while I wore a pair of skis. Probably would have worked better if I wasn’t on the road at the time.

07:59: Dino was suddenly surrounded by a sparkling glow and began skipping around and humming happily. Hey, I think he just leveled up!

10:55: I’ve had enough of being taught a lesson by this Helium Baboon. Hi-ho, Dino… away!

13:10: Hmm, Dino the bipolar bear… What a strange combination. Maybe I should have called him Gilgamesh8?

08:14: Unsure whether to overestimate my own abilities or underestimate the Average Foe’s.

08:48: My silly bipolar bear darted out ri

ght in front of me, and I almost stepped on him. Dino, don’t get on my nerves! And definitely don’t get under my feet!

09:38: Woke up with Dino sleeping on my face… Hey! Get off!

09:57: Strange words came in a puff of smoke: ‘You want a horse? Y’know, figuratively, you’re my steed already. Now attack, or I’ll have you shod.’

09:58: I’ve got to head back to town soon. Dino is almost out of treats.

13:10: Waited patiently while Dino finished marking the area.

13:57: Suddenly, coming from the nearby hills, there was a roar: ‘Your bar’s in the red, but I want more. This time, my girl, you’re dead for sure!’ Who’s there?

18:00: If I had a gold coin for everytime I got distracted, I’d have… Ooooh! Look, Great One, look! Dino is doing that cute thing with his tail again!

06:17: Here we are, Dino: Beerburgh. The centre of the world. The hub of the universe. The best place to get beer for milestones around.

07:48: I stood aside for a moment and let my bipolar bear fight the Scentipede alone. Not as easy as it looks, huh Dino?

15:21: Oh no! Dino just ate Adam’s apple. Silly bipolar bear.

05:55: Stopped to feed and groom my pet. Dino purred excitedly in anticipation of causing property damage.

06:24: During our last rest stop, Dino performed some gothic dances in honor of the god of monsters. Please forgive him, Mighty One.

09:03: That darned bipolar bear! I turned away for just a second and he chewed my figure “5” in gold to pieces. Someone should train that pet to behave.

13:14: Almighty god, please accept this sacrifice of 2 coins and make something good happen to me!

08:10: Almighty, what do you do with the gold I sacrifice to you? Do you use it for hanging out? Anyway, here are 1110 gold coins – have some fun.

12:03: Dino wants to go back to town because his inventory’s full, but I’m not ready to return yet. He looks peeved, but how heavy can a few dead frogs and a ball of wool be, anyway?

17:54: I do wish that, when Dino is marking his territory, he wouldn’t consider my leg as fair game.

20:22: Something good and fragrant poured from the sky over my pet. Dino is smiling happily.

05:53: Dino snorted disdainfully and laughed at my futile attempts to make uninformed decisions about misunderstood things. Now he’s making snickering noises and silly faces. If you think it’s so easy, why don’t you try it yourself, you silly bipolar bear?

06:22: Played fetch with Dino. I squealed happily when he brought back a can of reodorant, then screamed in terror when I saw the Tentacula chasing him.

07:38: Dino knocked over some candles in the temple. What a clumsy oaf! We hid behind a curtain and watched as a priest doused the flames with some holy water from a basin. Don’t worry, my Lord, it was a public temple and they don’t pray to you anyway…

Pillowed against Dino, watching the clouds together…

15:39: Won second place in Godville’s pet beauty contest. Dino narrowly beat me for first.

08:50: Dino gave me a sheepish look and fled into the bushes with his tail between his legs. If that chicken doesn’t come back soon, I’ll have to fight the monster all by myself.

10:09: Stopped to feed and groom my pet. Dino purred excitedly in anticipation of the combing.

11:34: I’m beginning to think that my meetings with monsters might not be coincidental. Perhaps Dino is a spy and is collaborating with them?

Discovering that the laws of gravity are also enforced on weekends…

12:31: I heard about a god who allows one day out of seven to rest. Can we discuss my working hours, Exalted One? They seem a little excessive.

12:48: Just as the undertaker was about to take me away, Dino outwitted him, giving me time to flee. Clever bipolar bear!

14:43: My wily bipolar bear jumped on the monster from behind. The Biowolf is trying to understand who hit it and from where.

17:56: Soaring up into the air in a beam of colorful light, Dino started to look bigger and stronger. Hmm, there isn’t any reason to fear for my life, is there?

The hero’s feelings were hurt for 3 hp…

06:28: Dino, attack! Err… sit. Stay. Watch me fight this Criminal Master Mime alone.

06:34: Ha! Now the Criminal Master Mime is caught between a rock and a hard place! Fortunately, I’m hiding on the other side of the rock.

07:04: When I finally dispatched the Badonkadonkey, Dino tore its head off and found some mint conditioner.

07:18: Having been bitten by Dino, the Flugelhornet felt outnumbered and definitely lost its will to fight.

18:32: While the Wizard of Osmosis said its last goodbyes to the land of the living, I said hello to a rubber chicken.

18:35: Ha! My mighty skills are clearly too powerful for the Enforcement Droid 209. I’ll even prove it the next time we meet… after I’ve healed my wounds, of course.

20:18: The Count of Three was sacrificed to the Exalted One. As its spirit floated skyward, I found a “Godville for atheists” travel guide and 2 coins lying next to its remains.

20:24: The Not-So-Brave Knight tried to head-butt me, but was stopp e d cold by my thick armor. Ouch, that must have hurt.

10:59: Had a cold, tingling sensation run down my spine. Either I’m about to meet a monster, or Dino is licking me again. Nope, it’s a Sun Dog. To arms!

13:51: After pathetically crying out, ’I’ll be damned!’, the Duke of Haphazard perished.

19:54: Threw a boomerang for Dino to chase. Woke up an hour later with a splitting headache. What happened?

19:48: Told Dino that I wanted to stop for a bite. Now I need a bandage and I’m still hungry.

20:21: Saw a dragon. Tried not to look tasty.

14:02: The more people I meet, the more I love my Dino.

00:00: I didn’t manage to heal up my pet’s wound in time. Well, Dino, your regenerating abilities will help you to recover, but I think level-ups and pantheons are not for you anymore. On the other hand, who needs those silly things anyway?

08:50: Told Dino to watch my beer while I deal with this Sawed-off Shogun. Almighty, could you watch my pet to make sure he doesn’t drink it this time?

06:27: Mystery! Excitement! Adventure! Action! Thrills! That and much more, when you tune in to the Akhorn and Dino show!

16:02: I’m cold, hungry, lonely and desperate. I object! Great One, do something. Make yourself useful!

16:04: A particularly weak lightning bolt gave my heart just enough extra electricity to beat a little faster. That’s probably the most invigoration I could ask from you, right, Mighty One?

“Stand back, Dino! I’m going to try… science!”

13:53: My wounds were healed all at once! What a neat trick…

13:55: My Lord, please send me a sign. Unless it’s going to hurt – in that case I’m all set for signs, thanks.

13:54: I’ve got to head back to town soon. Dino is almost out of treats.

14:34: Managed to see some strange fiery letters fading out on the horizon: ‘I am proud of you, Mister Nutt.’

14:29: Found a yellow submarine at the seashore yesterday, but it was infested with beetles so I let it be.

14:42: Had a vision of the future! I saw myself battling monsters, completing quests and occasionally wasting money. Now to see if it comes true…

14:48: You hear that, monsters? Yeah, it’s me, Akhorn, and I smell victory! Also a nearby skunk. But mostly victory! So run, cowards!

17:48: Carried Dino on my shoulders, so that he could see over the tall grass and alert me to possible danger. So far he’s alerted me to a ball of yarn, a dead pigeon and a lady bipolar bear…

Practicing tai chi while drinking chai tea…

17:52: Happened upon a group of dyslexic priests praying to their dog. Strange.

19:11: An owl suddenly dropped a red letter in front of me. The envelope formed a mouth and shouted ‘Pray, Akhorn.’ before tearing itself up. I don’t know why, but I’m suddenly burning with shame.

19:37: Sometimes I feel like my combat skills would be greater if I spent more time slaying monsters than I do writing about it. On the plus side, my handwriting skills are off the charts!

20:30: I just saved a bunch of money on my health insurance by running away from the Dead Horse.

01:52: I perished in battle as a true hero. Lag Monster, I’ll be back!

01:57: Almighty, hurry up and resurrect me before I enter the afterlife! I’m pretty sure the thousands I’ve slain aren’t waiting to embrace me with open arms and affection.

02:07: I lived fast, and died young, Omnipotent One, but instead of leaving a beautiful corpse, you let me die in this embarrassing get-up.

02:32: In hindsight, you probably could have done a better job protecting me, Most Righteous One.

03:52: “Go collect some golden bricks!” you said. “It will be fun!” you said.

05:52: I know that every religion needs a martyr, Most Righteous One, but couldn’t you find someone besides me?

06:26: Umm, Soul Supreme? I think you put me back together with someone else’s parts. I’m sure I wasn’t so fat.

06:26: A preacher said that animals were not allowed in the temple, but Dino hissed menacingly and quickly persuaded the cleric to change his mind.

06:42: Accidentally knocked a holy relic off its stand inside the temple. It bounced off the floor and landed right back on its stand. It really is holy!

07:16: Your love is lifting me higher than I’ve ever been lifted before, Almighty.

07:24: Just found 169 coins on one of my old corpses! Sweet!

09:45: Apparently he would chuck, he would, as much as he could, if a woodchuck could chuck the wood.

10:13: The doctor told me he was inspired because I was a person who loved nature in spite of what it did to me. Wait, what?

10:07: I understand why the Almighty doesn’t demand animal sacrifice. He doesn’t need it. My blood gets sacrificed every time I fight a monster!

09:56: Met a traveling shoemaker. He promised to heel me, save my sole and even dye for me. Strange fellow.

11:20: A frog jumped out of the grass and gave me a kiss. Not only am I shocked, but some of my health has been restored!

Feeling much better after taking a placebo…

12:24: Wow, that felt good! I feel stronger and healthier! It seems that my mind has expanded… actually, never mind that.

12:46: Almighty, I’ve been having second thoughts about being a hero. I usually only have first thoughts… does that mean I’ve become twice as clever?

16:28: Oh no! Dino just ate the chastity belt spanner. Silly bipolar bear.

17:17: I saw a massive Thirteenth Apostate swiftly approaching, so I pinched myself to make sure I wasn’t having a nightmare. Turns out I was, and I awoke to find an even bigger Thirteenth Apostate bearing down on me. En garde!

17:46: The last thing the Acid Reindeer saw was me putting its grenade pin into my bag.

07:30: This time, I’d rather be smarter than become a martyr. I’m out of here, Bad News Bear!

10:22: Jumped for joy on the body of the dead Yoga Bear. To my surprise, a mirror of self-reflection and 41 coins popped out. Nice.

11:58: When “rail-bending” skill is engaged, Weresmurf is enraged.

15:13: That darned bipolar bear! I turned away for just a second and he ripped my head on a swivel to pieces. Someone should train that pet to behave.

17:33: A sign in that roadside tavern read: ‘Gentlemen: No shoes, no shirt, no service! Ladies: No shoes, no shirt, no problem!’

18:13: Kept my chin up. Tripped on a tree root and stubbed my toe.

18:15: I feel renewed! Thank you so much for restoring my health, Soul Supreme! Now, if only you’d restore my dignity…

18:19: The Thought Policeman screamed, ‘And you call this a fatal blow?’ for the last time and died. Found a leaf from a money tree and 25 coins.

18:39: The Out-of-shapeshifter was eliminated. Found a red ring of death.

20:10: The neighing of an undead pony in the distance sounds troubling. Almighty, save me from bit rot!

06:53: Heard something about the God of The Great Random… I suppose that’s a new kind of heresy. Donated 15 coins to the Exalted One.

07:14: I heard that if you love someone, you should set them free. I released Dino into the wild to pursue his hopes and dreams. Meanwhile, I’m off to pursue all my greatest ambitions, in the tavern.

07:10: Passed a sign that read: ‘Fire at will’. Good thing my name isn’t Will.

07:14: Clouds in the sky suddenly formed into the words: ‘Cancel quest.’

07:32: I found a conch shell by the roadside, put it to my ear and heard “Be crazy, because normal is boring.”. Threw it away and hurried off.

07:49: I offer 16 gold coins to thee, my Lord!

08:09: The dead Elephant of Surprise had 2 coins in its little coin purse. I looted it, bringing me one step closer to becoming a millionaire.

08:27: Its defeat broke the curse on the Watertight Seal, turning it back into a highly skilled artifactsmith, who immediately built me a motley crucifix out of gratitude.

11:40: I looked into the kind eyes of the vanquished monster and suddenly decided — Lightsaber-Toothed Tiger, you’ll be my pet! And I’ll call you Sandy. Bandaged his wounds, gave him a treat and fastened the leash.

13:44: Great One, I have you and Sandy, but why do I still feel like something’s missing from my life?

17:08: Had to pay a fine of 207 gold coins for parking Sandy. Darn, a lightsaber-toothed tiger is too expensive…

17:25: It seems like Sandy just tried to use th e “cobweb gulp” skill. Of course he failed. What a noob!

07:58: Sandy suddenly perked up attentively and purred. Then he rushed into the bushes and pulled out a secret identity card. What a clever pet!

19:52: Tried using a Jedi mind trick on the trader. Got slapped in the face.

19:53: Wow! I feel as if a new me has been awakened!

03:22: Soaring up into the air in a beam of colorful light, Sandy started to look bigger and stronger. Hmm, there isn’t any reason to fear for my life, is there?

06:24: I think I may be omnipresent just like you, Omnipotent One. Everywhere I go, there I am.

07:06: My brave Sandy nimbly jumped on the monster’s head. The enemy became disoriented and flailed its arms wildly, trying to figure out what the heck was happening.

07:12: Ooops! I broke the Monstrous Appetite. After carefully trying to put it back together, I found a ‘Monsters’ Rights Movement’ pamphlet and 131 coins. Pocketed them and quietly walked away.

12:43: Sandy roared loudly and charged the enemy.

16:12: An epic but short burst of music played mysteriously, and the words “Level Up!” appeared above my head in glorious 3D. Seems I’m level 39 now!

16:12: Xereus taught me a special skill that he said no one else knows, called “Cheshire smile” and swore me to secrecy. I’m not entirely sure what “secrecy” means, but I can’t wait to show everyone at the tavern!

18:36: I was running away from a monster when a wall jumped out and slammed into me.

19:18: I developed a cure for memory loss… I just wish I had written it down.

19:32: “A happy lightsaber-toothed tiger means a happy hero.” is what I shall keep telling myself until Sandy is done destroying my basilisk breeder’s manual.

20:03: The Son of a Glitch felt the amazing power of my “electrostatic discharge” skill.

06:45: When my back was turned, Sandy got into my sack and had my left-handed screw for a snack. Bad lightsaber-toothed tiger!

13:51: Saw a Capeless Crusader eating a hero sandwich. Since I don’t look good in bread, I decided to roll away from it.

14:18: Entered a love-hate relationship with the Hellaphant. Love its combat style but hate that it is using it on me.

15:30: Chanced upon a mockingbird. Cried over its witty insults.

15:22: Strange words drifted by in a cloud of smoke: ‘If you build it, they will come.’

16:39: When “teeth gnashing” skill is engaged, Pack Rat is enraged.

16:43: This Basement Cat’s monstering days are over, but my days of owning a set of Godville action figures have just begun.

The hero is trying to convince Auto Corrector that he has a fundamental right to slaughter it…

16:47: Saw a really attractive hero today. Then I backed away from the pond before I fell in.

20:05: The Salt-resistant Slug groaned, ‘Whatever it was, I didn’t do it!’ and ascended to heaven. Found a horse armor pack.

12:23: Soaring up into the air in a beam of colorful light, Sandy started to look bigger and stronger. Hmm, there isn’t any reason to fear for my life, is there?

18:21: Heroes and heroines, sitting under trees, R-E-S-T-I-N-G. No time for love, just devotion, receiving wounds not healable by potions.

18:20: Met a hero who’d once been a banker, but had lost interest.

18:24: Almighty, do I look like a moron in this armor?

20:07: They say Fortune favors the brave; might explain my long streak of bad luck.

16:12: Woke up, as I seem to after every full moon, naked and with no idea where I was or how I got there. I guess I really know how to party.

17:39: Followed a stray dog for an hour thinking it was my lightsaber-toothed tiger. Got an evil glare from Sandy when I found him again.

18:23: Almighty, I am brave and strong, but not very smart. Save me from my own stupidity! Please accept 2951 coins as my offering.

18:33: I wonder why monsters carry gold around. I never see them shopping in town.

03:53: As thunder rumbled and lightning split the sky, Sandy began to shine with a glorious and terrifying light. Mighty One, why can’t leveling up be this impressive for me?

12:33: Sandy refused to pull a cart that I found in a ravine. Bad lightsaber-toothed tiger! Now I have to leave behind a perfectly good cart.

14:15: A trader’s tent appeared out of nowhere. It would be foolish of me to skip such a great chance to clear out my inventory.

06:30: The Mimic Milestone lost the sudden death round with a sudden death and was eliminated from the competition of life. Got 25 coins.

16:21: The Net Troll completely vanished in front of my eyes, entirely erased from existence and memo… Hmm, where did this tectonic plate and 9 gold coins come from?

17:31: Almighty god, please accept this sacrifice of 527 gold coins and make something good happen to me!

03:28: Went with my Sandy on pet fights for beginners. He valiantly defeated and marked the opponent, earning us 492 gold coins of cookie money. Good job, Sandy!

16:45: I curled up in the fetal position and cried. The Game Overlord thought I was too pathetic to be killed and left me alone.

16:53: Saw a house with a sign on the gate: “The dog is harmless. Beware of the children.”

20:31: I ran away from the Synthetic Organism under a flimsy excuse. Man, I need a healer…

17:56: Sandy swallowed a bunch of fireflies. Now every time he hiccups, beams of light shine out of his eyes and ears.

17:58: Wow, new eyebrows? These usually take months to grow back! Thanks, Omnipotent One!

18:12: Almighty! I swallowed an apple seed! Please don’t let me turn into a tree!

03:28: Went with my Sandy on pet fights for beginners. He valiantly defeated and marked the opponent, earning us 492 gold coins of cookie money. Good job, Sandy!

06:11: The Irrelephant was beaten to death. I found 25 coins and a dream sweetener.

08:10: Sandy was suddenly surrounded by a sparkling glow and began skipping around and humming happily. 08:31: A trader and his shop just fell from the sky to serve me. He’s losing blood fast, so I’d better make this quick. Hey, I think he just leveled up!

17:12: Hooray! I’ve reached level 40!

17:51: I used my “electrostatic discharge” skill on the Hemogoblin and it burst into a shower of pixels. Swept away the bits to find a nest egg and 35 coins.

17:52: Saw a hero speed wildly by on a chariot while being struck by lightning numerous times. I think he might have been driving under the influence.

20:14: I’ve used my “acid tears” skill so many times that it has finally been upgraded to the next level!

16:07: Found a mountain cave that had been ransacked by clowns, and was littered with dead cats. I took some beer from a blood-covered barrel, since there was no one else to drink it.

08:27: This Over-confident Noob’s monstering days are over, but my days of owning a sign of the times have just begun.

08:31: A trader and his shop just fell from the sky to serve me. He’s losing blood fast, so I’d better make this quick.

14:17: Told the Imaginary Threat that I had left my heroing license at home and completing this battle without it would be highly illegal, leading to hefty

fines for the both of us. Snuck away while he checked the rule book.

14:18: Tried to test whether this ounce of decency was fireproof. Judging from these ashes, I can safely infer it is not.

18:48: Swung Sandy by his tail and launched him into battle. He tore the Jabberwookie to shreds, leaving a disharmonica and 18 coins behind. I may have to sleep with one eye open tonight, but it was totally worth it.

07:26: The Ultra Violent Ray cried, ‘You gave me a scare!’ and vanished. Received 11 gold coins and a “The Top 100 Things I’d Do if I Ever Became an Evil Overlord” booklet.

16:29: A ferocious Godville Administrator threatened to send me to hell. I was about to report it for vulgar language when I realized that its use of “hell” was appropriate in this case. We’ll just have to settle our differences the old fashioned way…

19:50: Saw a sign written in Cyrillic text. A translation underneath read, “In Russian Godville, moles upset you!” Weird.

06:28: The Procrastinator yelled, ’I’ll be damned!’ and vaporized into thin air, leaving a memory card on the ground. 06:30: After Sandy lapped up a full saucer of health elixir, he kept on begging for a second serving. Hmm, it seems that his tired little body needs a boost.

06:18: I live for the Great One, I die for… um… what exactly?

11:03: I am once again back in the hospital for my Narcissism treatment. I always seem to check myself out.

12:44: Just as the Monty Python was about to finish me off, Sandy gamely threw himself head-first at the creature, killing it instantly. He’s been stupefied since, with his eyes crossed and his tongue hanging out. I promise I’ll heal you, my brave, loyal lightsaber-toothed tiger, if it’s the last thing I ever do!

12:57: “The Diary of Akhorn” sounds lame. Maybe I should call it “The Epic Chronicles of Akhorn?”

14:19: Reading over my past diary entries, I couldn’t help but notice that “Ouch!” and “Medic!” recur with astonishing frequency.

18:03: The Panic Attacker had to perform an awesome combo, several critical strikes, three fatalities and bribed me with a golden brick before I admitted defeat.

18:08: One more and I’ll have filled this frequent dier’s card.

18:18: Death was surprised to see me back so soon. He said I should work less and get a life.

18:32: Thank you for your mercy, Most Righteous One. Now tell me, what was I doing again?

19:23: Used my “somersault squatting” to teach the Ticking Crocodile a valuable lesson.

08:54: The Methylated Spiritualist was shredded into tiny strips. I picked up a ticket for ‘Godville the Musical’ and 30 gold coins.

19:56: A loudmouthed Firefox declared that my god must be a zero for playing a zero player game. No one insults my deity but me! I will make it pay for its insult.

06:28: Told the Land Mime that the God of Monsters doesn’t exist. It was so shocked that it instantly evolved into a pillar of society. Nice!

06:31: Sandy just made another notch on his collar. Looks like he got his next level.

16:48: I’m like, level 41 now! I’m like way more mature now! You can’t tell me what to do anymore, Most Righteous One.

16:18: Death came to claim me, but it tripped on its robe. Time to run away! Farewell, Delusionist of Grandeur!

19:52: While crying on my shoulder, the Lost Sole wept and told me that its god was paying it less and less attention. Feeling sympathetic, I presented it with an expired marriage license.

14:31: The Walking Dead calmly declared, “If you strike me down I’ll become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!”. I struck it down and enriched myself with 14 coins and a shellphone from its unimaginably powerful corpse.

15:22: As Sandy began to glow and grow, fleas jumped out of his fur and performed an elaborate celebratory dance number. Why don’t they do that when I level up!

17:40: The Steam-Powered Pleasurebot groaned, ‘Darn you, Akhorn!’ and ascended to heaven. Found some pixie dust snuff.

19:04: I asked the Frankenfurter if it remembered me from the last time we fought. It replied that all heroes look the same to it. I’m offended!

07:32: Watched Sandy sleep as he cuddled against my leg. Aw, what a cute little lightsaber-toothed tiger…

17:22: Staged a funeral for the Perfect Stranger. Its friends gave me 15 gold coins and an unbirthday cake as funeral donations. I had to remember the solemnity of the occasion and to avoid rubbing my hands in anticipation.

18:10: Sandy spun around under the monster’s feet and chewed on its heels. What a clever pet I have!

19:00: This is the happiest day of my life! I wish there were more quests like this.

16:45: I threw the book at the Traffic Clone. Don’t worry, Diary. I got you back as well as 32 gold coins from the foul creature. Thanks for your help!

15:43: Sandy just made another notch on his collar. Looks like he got his next level.

19:02: Convinced the Penultimate Samurai that I deserved to be in its will more than its ungrateful family. Inherited an out of office reply.

08:51: Heard a yell of “Hence for ye shall always leave a note.” from a vineyard I was passing. So that’s what people mean when they say they heard something on the grapevine…

19:03: Sandy wagged his tail and looked fondly at my elven ear sharpener. I went ahead and gave it to him. Let the brute play.

16:45: The Armchair Critic screamed, ‘Enough!’ for the last time and died. Found an empty flask of immortality and 23 coins.

18:04: My wily lightsaber-toothed tiger jumped on the monster from behind. The Avant Guardian called for a timeout, complaining that the blow was struck out of turn.

16:48: The Unknown User sang its swan song and vanished. I looted its bag and found a philosopher’s stone.

Foisted the sacrificial ham on the trader for 56 gold coins after one heck of a dispute…

06:23 AM I heard that if you love someone, you should set them free. I released Sandy into the wild to pursue his hopes and dreams. Meanwhile, I’m off to pursue all my greatest ambitions, in the tavern.

Some considerable time later.

06:08 PM I was just about to defeat the Bipolar Bear when he pulled out a beer and offered it to me. Hey, I could use a good drinking buddy. Slapped a collar on him and named him Simba. He looks like he’s regretting his choice now.