Hero

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Herald the Hero 4

level 116

Herald the Hero is here!

Age 8 years 10 months
Personality neutral
Guild Discordia
(cardinal)
Monsters Killed about 617 thousand
Death Count 215
Wins / Losses 6 / 9
Temple Completed at 04/25/2016
Ark Completed at 10/27/2017 (385.5%)
Pairs Gathered at 12/21/2019
Words in Book 96.8%
Savings 21M, 559k (71.9%)
Pet Hamburglar Glizzy 34th level
Boss Warmongrel with 141% of power

Equipment

Weapon hunk of burning love +128
Shield blame deflector +130
Head lampshade of enlightenment +129
Body welding dress +129
Arms invisible hand of the market +127
Legs electric heel +130
Talisman sliver of hope +130

Skills

  • beer belly level 128
  • homesickness level 123
  • forced generosity level 118
  • electro-broom level 117
  • disarming smile level 113
  • swoop of the smith level 113
  • sober view level 111
  • sticky fingers level 105
  • spoon-bending level 102
  • strike of the rabbit level 64

Feats

  • ⓶ Feed hungry tribbles with regular ones
  • ⓵ Die to a monster and lose 15k gold

Pantheons

Gratitude1421
Might2480
Templehood16322
Storytelling38
Mastery1796
Taming1695
Survival2828
Savings1871
Arkeology1773
Catch1339
Wordcraft1474
Unity211
Duelery130
Adventure52

Achievements

  • Honored Animalist
  • Honored Favorite
  • Builder, 1st rank
  • Careerist, 1st rank
  • Martyr, 1st rank
  • Savior, 1st rank
  • Shipwright, 1st rank
  • Freelancer, 2nd rank
  • Hunter, 2nd rank
  • Moneybag, 2nd rank
  • Scribbler, 2nd rank
  • Champion, 3rd rank
  • Coach, 3rd rank
  • Raider, 3rd rank
  • Renegade, 3rd rank
  • Scientist, 3rd rank

Hero's Chronicles

Prolog:

Upon completing my Lord’s temple, I decided perhaps it was time to record some of my greater adventures. No longer collecting golden bricks, I have much more time to myself than previously, and need something to keep my underperforming mind occupied. Writing about my fantastic adventures as a hero should serve that purpose well, so in these pages I shall attempt to do just that. These are…

The Amazing Adventures of Herald the Hero and His God

Disclaimers:

Keep in mind that everything you are about to read is wholly and completely made up true, but also unsafe. Do NOT try this at home!

Any resemblance to real-life or copyrighted people and places is purely intended coincidental and should not be taken seriously.

Consult your doctor before reading.

Do not combine this chronicles with any other chronicles, as it could have negative side-effects.

Never read the fine print.

Not for children ages 12 and under, nor for teenagers, nor for adults ages 20 and up.

If you’re reading this sentence, then you’re too late to stop.

All attempts at being humorous should be taken seriously.

Please do not feed the hedgehog.

Everything Nothing in this chronicles is intended to insult you. However, when if it does, you may tell your mommy how easily offended you are. That should fix it.

Warning: This warning serves no purpose

This list of disclaimers is unreasonably long. I suggest skipping over it.

Story I: The Beginning

Once upon a time there was a guy. His name was Herald. Herald had no job, no friends, no place to call home, and absolutely no intelligence. (What a loser, right?) Well this is his story.

One day, Herald was wandering around because he had nothing else to do. (Except look for a job, but who has time for that?) As he rounded a corner, he was attacked by a feral hero! Before Herald could react, the feral hero raised his weapon and charged.

When Herald opened his eyes, he saw that the feral hero had tripped on his shoelaces and faceplanted. Herald was about to run away when he realized the feral hero was dead! When he rolled the body over to loot it, he discovered how it had died: a (rather good-looking) hedgehog was stuck to the feral hero’s face!

Naturally Herald assumed that this hedgehog was a god who had chosen him to be his hero. Herald named the hedgehog Divine Porcupine and put it in his shirt pocket. It hurt a little at first, but after a while it still hurt. With his god safely stored, Herald picked up the dead feral hero’s weapon, changed his name to Herald the Hero, and began vanquishing evil in the name of Divine Porcupine.

After becoming a follower of Divine Porcupine, Herald the Hero’s life changed forever! He still had no official job, no home, and no intelligence, but now, for the first time, he had a friend!

…and Divine Porcupine has been manipulating Herald the Hero to do his will ever since.

Story II: A New Hero

Life after discovering Divine Porcupine was very different for Herald the Hero. Suddenly he was actually expected to do work, when before people would actively try to prevent him from applying for a job at their business!

Herald’s new life of slaying innocent creatures evil monsters was not quite what he had been expecting, but he was lucky good at it! Before long, after murdering bravely slaying a few dozen monsters, Herald found a shiny golden brick. Herald could find absolutely no use for this strange item, but his god seemed very interested in it. Divine Porcupine then decided Herald should collect exactly 1000 of these bricks and build a mediocre glorious temple out of them. When Herald asked why, Divine Porcupine simply replied, “All the other gods are doing it.” While this was odd, being Divine Porcupine is the one true god in Godville, Herald could not argue with the Mighty One’s will and set out to find 999 more golden bricks.

After a day of brick-searching, Herald returned to the great city of Godville. There, he was met by some rather rude heroes! The mocked him for thinking a hedgehog was a god, despite Divine Porcupine’s adorableness dashing good looks. Very discouraged, Herald headed to the tavern. Several drinks later, someone challenged the drunk Herald the Hero to a duel! Seeing this as a chance to prove his god’s might, Herald accepted.

Story III: The Arena

The sun glistened in Herald’s eyes as he stumbled stepped into the arena. Holding up his hand to block the light, Herald could hear the crowd mocking him. They called him horrible things that I can’t repeat here for fear of being banned. A cloud drifted in front of the sun, allowing Herald to see his opponent enter the arena. The crowd roared as Larcie epically walked in in slow-motion.

As the duel started, Herald was petrified with fear stood his ground, trusting Divine Porcupine to give him the strength to win. Herald unsheathed his weapon as Larcie charged at him. Herald had just enough time for a short prayer before the fighting started.

Blades clashed! Swords slashed! Sparks flew! Blood spewed! Rhymes were made!

Herald never knew what hit him. He was suddenly lying on his back looking into the sky. Where did that thundercloud come from? Why was there smoke everywhere? Was… was someone cooking bacon? Herald sat up and looked around. He was sitting in a smoldering pit. “That’s odd,” Herald thought out loud, “This pit wasn’t here a moment ago…” The crowd roared with laughter.

Herald looked all around him. Everywhere, in every direction (except of course up and down; that would be weird), people were mocking him. He caught snippets of what was said. Something about Larcie’s goddess, a lightning bolt…

Standing up and grabbing his weapon, Herald turned around to find his opponent. As soon as he turned around, he was met with a blade swinging towards him. Again Herald found himself on the ground. He took a glance at his health bar: 1 hp. He had lost the duel.

After crying like a baby recovering, Herald limped walked out of the arena. With the crowd still mocking him, he looked down at his god, who was sitting in Herald’s shirt pocket. Why hadn’t Divine Porcupine helped him during the duel? Didn’t he have any power?

Suddenly the hedgehog-god started to squirm in Herald’s pocket, poking Herald quite badly. Herald began hopping about in pain, until he stopped in front of a poster. Herald grinned. Maybe he could be a dueler after all.

Story IV: The Academy

The poster was a recruiting ad for the Honnōji Academy guild. The guild sounded like a great place for Herald to learn the ways of dueling as the guild emphasized on dueling. He decided to join the guild and learn how to duel.

When herald arrived at the guild hall, he sheepishly knocked on the door, fearing he may not be welcomed. The guild was meant for heroes who had evil gods and goddesses who punished them a lot, but so far Divine Porcupine had only demonstrated the power of pokiness and adorableness good looks. The door creaked open, and Herald took a deep breath before stepping in.

He was greeted by the supposedly evil heroes with lots of smiles and happy words. Herald was elated! Maybe he could finally fit in somewhere. After telling the guild members a bit about himself, the Honnōji Academy members decided it was time to start training.

Herald watched as the heroes and heroines sparred. To Herald’s amazement, flashes of lightning and fire filled the room! He glanced down at Divine Porcupine. There was no way that little hedgehog could be capable of that!

When it was Herald’s turn to spar, he was quite nervous. He managed to block the first few attacks from his opponent, which made him feel quite proud. Then he was suddenly engulfed in a fiery blast from the heavens, which made him feel quite hot! He quickly drank a healing potion, which allowed him to survive the meteor that fell on him immediately after. After Herald got up, his sparring partner easily defeated him.

The guild members encouraged him to keep trying, but Herald decided it was best to just give up dueling altogether. After making this decision, he left Honnōji Academy to find a guild that better fit him. However, as he sadly moped away from the guild hall, Herald had a feeling there wasn’t anywhere that fit him.

Story V: Sven

Herald was feeling very depressed as he made the journey back to Godville. He felt like a misfit who would never find any friends. He sighed.

Suddenly, a bush beside the road began to rustle violently! Harald grabbed his weapon and started sneaking over to the bush. Once he was close enough, he lunged at the bush to strike! However, it was only a small bunny that quickly ran away. How anticlimactic… Herald turned to head back to the road – and found himself face-to-face with a vicious stripeless zebra! Herald raised his weapon as the monster roared loudly (Yes, stripeless zebras roar. All monsters do.).

Herald threw himself at the best with all his might. He had had a bad day and needed to vent his frustrations on something, and this stripeless zebra was that something. Herald brutally fought the monster, easily defeating it. However, as he raised his weapon for the final blow, the stripeless zebra made a sound uncommon from monsters: a whimper!

Harald paused. Maybe this beast wasn’t like other monsters… He looked into the helpless creature’s eyes. Now those were the eyes of a pet! Harald used some healing items on his new pet and helped him back to his feet. Now, every good pet needs a name, and every really good pet needs alteration in that name. Therefore, Herald named his new pet Sven the Stripeless Zebra.

As Herald rode into town on Sven, everyone turned their heads to look. Had that fool actually had enough sense to take a monster? Maybe he wasn’t such a bad hero after all! Herald smiled as people began to accept him more – even though it was only slightly more. Maybe his luck was finally starting to change.

Story VI: Sven’s Sacrifice

Herald enjoyed many adventures with his beloved Sven, but all good things must come to an end (except breakfast burritos; they’ll be around forever). After a full day of murdering slaying monsters, Herald and Sven decided it was time to head back to town and use their loot and money wisely to improve their lives sell all of their belongings and use whatever money they get to buy beer (yes, Sven also enjoyed beer).

However, on the journey home, a powerful foe attacked! Herald and Sven fought valiantly, but it was clear the beast would defeat them if they didn’t flee. Unfortunately, the pair was too weary from the battle, and were unable to escape the monster. Herald was horrified. He knew this was going to be his (23rd) death.

but suddenly, brave Sven hurled himself at the monster, throwing it off balance! A rather disgusting snap was heard from the monster’s neck as it hit the ground. Herald rejoiced! He wouldn’t have to go through the awkward resurrection process of waking up naked in town again!

However, something was wrong. Sven was still under the monster’s body. Herald walked over to the monster and managed to pull Sven out. The stripeless zebra wasn’t moving. Oh, Herald had heard of this before! His pet was knocked out! All he had to do was save up some money o resurrect Sven! So he drug the stripeless zebra back to town and spent all of his money on beer.

Later, Herald went to the priest to resurrect Sven. When the priest demanded payment, Herald reached for his money. Huh, that’s strange. He was out of money! How did that happen? All he did was spend it all on beer! Herald tried to gather up more money, but was unable to.

So the dead body of Sven was released back into the wild, and Herald set out to find a new pet.

RIP Sven – 6/5/2016

Story VII: Behemoth

A few days after Sven’s death, Herald was wandering in the wilderness thinking of how irreplaceable Sven was. but suddenly, he stumbled upon a wild bear in the wilderness! The beast attacked him and nearly killed him, then instantly began giving him medical attention. It was in that instance Herald realized this was no ordinary bear – this was a bipolar bear!

Knowing bipolar bears were tameable monsters in Godville, Herald quickly attempted to tame it. The monster quickly became Herald’s friend – then his enemy – then his friend again. That bipolar disorder’s killer, ain’t it?

Judging by his new pet’s size, Herald decided Behemoth was the most fitting of the available pet names in Godville.

and so, with Sven effectively replaced & forgotten, Herald was able to begin anew his search for somewhere to call home!

Story VIII: The Misunderstanding

Please note: This story was only added for entertainment. This definitely didn’t actually happen. No one actually made this mistake, especially not Divine Porcupine. Nope, definitely not him! He doesn’t make mistakes! ;)

Upon returning to town, Herald was eager to show off his net pet. Herald marched his bipolar bear right into the middle of town and climbed onto his back. As Behemoth stood up on his hind legs to his impressive hight of 15 feet, the spectators’ eyes filled with fear. Herald then proudly announced, “I have caught a bipolar bear!”

He was instantly met with laughter from the crowd. Behemoth began whimpering from embarrassment and ran away to hide, knocking Herlad off his back in the process. Herald stood up and asked one of the bystanders why everyone was laughing.

The man replied, "Because, stupid! Bipolar bears are a third that size and white! That bear’s fifteen feet tall and black! You didn’t catch a bipolar bear – you caught a solar bear!

Herald blushed in shame. He should have known it was a solar bear! That’s basic Monsters 101 knowledge they teach you at Hero School (of course, Herald never actually attended Hero School…)! Although, Behemoth was certainly not emotionally stable. Maybe he was a bipolar solar bear?

The crowd continued to knock Herald, and he walked off, hanging his head in shame. He had once again humiliated himself. He decided to just find his bipolar – no. His solar bear and leave.

Story IX: A New Guild

Behemoth was by far the best (and worst) friend Herald had ever had. They had many adventures together, and Herald was quite fond of his bipolar solar bear pet. Behemoth even liked Herald back sometimes!

However, the life of a hero gets lonely, even with a pet. Herald needed real, human interaction. The only problem was, humans all hated him.

but one day Herald was moping around Bumchester thinking about much of a failure he was, when he noticed Behemoth was missing. What was that darn bear up to now?

Herald whistled a secret tune to summon Behemoth. Hearing his pet approach from behind, Herald turned around to see a sun dog. He must have hit a note wrong (he is tone deaf after all)! He had accidentally summoned some other hero’s pet!

Well, may as well make the most out of the situation! Herald asked the sun dog, “Have you seen a solar bear around anywhere?” The sun dog found it quite hilarious that this hero thought he could actually understand him and begin laughing rather violently. Due to the human/monster language barrier (Herald missed that day in foreign language class), Herald misinterpreted the sun dog’s intent and said, “Are you sure? He’s really big – pretty hard to miss!”

Suddenly, a booming voice cried out, “HEY!” Herald turned to see a threatening, 4 foot tall man waddling toward him. “That’s my pet, you goon! Stay away from ’em!”

Herald shamefully apologized to the scary man and turned around to search for Behemoth again. When he turned around, he walked straight into the bipolar solar bear’s snout!

Herald was about to scold Behemoth for running off, but he noticed something in his pet’s mouth. It was a poster for a guild called Goon Squad. “Sorry Behemoth, I’ve tried joining a guild before. I don’t think they’re for me,” said Herald. but then he felt something poke him in his shirt pocket.

Why, it was Divine Porcupine! How did he get in there? He’d been missing for the past four chapters of this chronicles! For some reason (don’t question the logic, this is Godville) this reminded Herald of what the scary man from earlier had called him: a goon.

Herald took this as sign: He needed to join this guild!

Story X: The Goon Squad
(Have you ever noticed how the first Roman numeral to represent a two-digit number is actually only one letter? Far out!)

The wind blew in Herald the Hero’s hair as he ride his sprinting bipolar solar (that’s quite a mouthful penfull, let’s shorten it to bisolar bear, shall we?) toward the Goon Squad headquarters. However, upon entering the building, all he found was a bunch of nobodys!

He walked up to one of them and said, “Excuse me, but I believe I’m in the wrong place. Would you happen to know where I could find the Goon Squad Headquarters?”

“Why, you’ve already found it!” the man replied.

Herald was rather perplexed by this, because he still didn’t know where he was. Perhaps the man had misunderstood him. He opened his mouth to repeat his question, but suddenly Divine Porcupine began squirming in his pocket.

“I’d like to join your guild, please!” shouted Herald in pain.

The man raised his eyebrows. “There’s no need to shout,” he said. “I have the membership forms right here.”

Herald took the papers in his hand and studied them. He knew a few of the words: something about selling his soul, repairing cryogenic chambers, and loaning his car to other goons. Herald didn’t have a car, nor did he know what a cryogenic chamber was, but whatever they are surely they can’t be that hard to fix!

After scanning the first paragraph Herald’s brain was far too sore to continue reading the other 49 pages, so his just skipped to the end and signed his name.

After releasing an evil chuckle at Herald signing the contract, the man shook his hand and said, “Welcome to guild, Herald the Hero. My name is Jacob Jons. My god Myqpalzm runs things around here.”

Herald was given the tour of the headquarters and met the other goons. He soon realized that he had finally found the place he belonged. Goon Squad would be his home from now on.

The sound of a pen scratching against paper can be heard coming from no where in particular as Herald the Hero continues to write…