Once upon a time, there was a god. His name was DashSloop. DashSloop was not always a god though, he was a mighty hero who journeyed the lands and made friends, enemies, and other people I can’t think of right now. So enough about me, here begins the chronicles of DashSloop!
So, as I was causally strolling through Godville one day, just doing my normal duties, I get this strange sensation. It felt like god was kind of communicating with me somehow. I decided to go to my old shack and start venturing the world making friends, companions, allies, and foes. While I was there I brought out my armor, shield and my Grandfather’s Knives of Venom. He left them to me as an heirloom and I had never thought I would actually use them. I found some equipment to use as a bonus to his armor set and great-sheild. I was just doing my normal day-to-day things when I defeated a Dust Bunny I decided to heal it up, teach it some tricks, name it Bess, and be my pet.
THE BIGGEST THING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME IS ACHIEVING SECOND IN PANTHEON OF DESTRUCTION!!!!!
Pantheon of Destruction: 2
08:02 PM “Freeze!” DashSloop bellowed and, giggling nastily, delivered a blow to his opponent, who had obediently frozen in a Pro-Life Zombie pose.
07:51 PM I offered to help the Ninja Pirate dig my own grave. When it handed me the shovel, I swung it at its face and ran away.
07:02 AM Attended group therapy with the voices in my head. They all agreed I was disruptive and asked me to leave the group.
07:07 AM Spent some time eating cucumber sandwiches and daintily drinking tea. It may have made me look like an idiot, but at least it restored some of my health.
06:57 AM I saw a saw that could outsaw any saw that I ever saw.
07:32 PM Passed a sign which read: “Visit Herowin! All our doctors are now licensed.”
07:56 PM Sometimes monsters just need a high-five… to the face… with a bag…
07:59 PM How is it possible that one match can start a forest fire, but it takes the whole box to start a campfire?
08:02 PM All the striking and smiting had no effect on the Gore-to-gore Salesman, so I tickled it to death. Procured a torrent-cracker.
09:35 AM Saw a therapist about my aggressive tendencies and defeated him with just two moves.
09:47 AM I snatched a bag containing 275 coins from a display and instantly replaced it with my portable drawbridge. Luckily, it was of equal weight, so I didn’t trigger the sensitive pressure sensors on the base unit.
10:14 AM Smelled a milestone as I passed it. Odorless, as usual. It doesn’t make any scents to me.
10:07 AM Took a break from questing to build a snowman. Had to wait until it snowed, but it was totally worth it.
10:21 AM Stumbled across a sign that read: ‘Do not read.’ I am such a rebel…
10:23 AM I laughed in the face of Danger, but stopped out of pity when it started to cry. Gave it a pat on the back to cheer it up again.
11:43 AM Great One, I used all my resources to create a tribute to you. Please accept this sculpture of empty beer bottles as a symbol of your greatness.
01:01 PM Got into an argument with a traveler over which one of us was the most humble. I won, of course, because I’m just awesome like that.
02:51 PM Stared at the moon. The moon stared back.
03:56 PM I’m just going to copy and paste some previous entries. Hopefully the Almighty won’t find out.
04:10 PM Tried flirting with the trader’s daughter. The trader thought I was trying out some deadly new combat skill and gave me 181 gold coins just to stop me.
03:23 PM Tried using a Jedi mind trick on the trader. Got slapped in the face.
06:50 AM Just woke up to find that some scoundrel had stolen all my stuff and replaced it with exact duplicates.
01:38 PM Lying dead in a ditch somewhere. I’m sorry mom, you were right.
09:38 PM Screw this quest. I’m going home.
10:12 AM Look! It’s a bird! No, it’s a plane! Ok, all right. I accept it. I’m bad at origami.
02:37 PM Came to a sign reading “The point of no return”. Took a step past it, then a step back and giggled.
06:49 AM Was eating an apple while waiting to see the doctor, when I was presented with a temporary restraining order and told to stay away. Odd.
05:03 PM As I trudged through the forest, I met a very fat knight named Sir Cumference. He said he acquired his shape from too much pi.
03:15 PM An old man told me nothing is impossible. Obviously he never tried to get to the end of the Endless Maze…
03:26 PM It seems that two left turns don’t really make a right. Where am I?
05:01 PM Saw a sign which read, “One does not simply walk into Tradeburg”. Proved it wrong.
05:27 PM The Barber of Godville was slain with a stab so deep, leaving me a case of hiccups to keep. DashSloop’s armor shone bright and silver… err, what rhymes with silver?
06:22 PM I wish that in addition to telling time, my diary could also tell me the weather.
06:29 PM Was trying to make an educated guess about what to do next but a passerby told me I’m not qualified to do that.
06:32 PM They say two heads are better than one. How can meeting two monsters at the same time be better than meeting one?
06:59 PM As I’ve been told, “Early to rise and early to bed makes a hero healthy but socially dead.”
07:03 PM Writing this entry with a pen I ‘accidentally’ took from the Godville Bank and Trust.
I got my pet Dust Bunny, Bess, today.
06:30 AM I got into a heated religious debate with a door-to-door missionary. I won by proving I didn’t have a door.
07:49 AM Tried to use my motto as a mating call, but yelling, “The Darkness takes all”, seems to have attracted an angry Godvilla. I’d best defeat it quickly so that I can get back to attracting a date.
08:04 AM Note to self: playing football with a beehive is not a good idea.
06:53 AM Notes from the battlefield: The Vegan Cannibal was used up for gold and experience! Time to return to my heroic deeds.
09:06 AM Found a hot tub in the middle of nowhere and decided to jump in. Got out as soon as a Godvilla came along and started adding carrots and seasoning into it.
09:09 AM Hit the Godvilla as hard as I could. Now I’m running away as fast as I can…
09:23 AM Sticks and stones may break my bones, but this Safety Dancer will definitely kill me. It’s time to run away.
09:25 AM I just wasted 10 seconds of my precious life writing this diary entry.
09:31 AM Here I am, standing at the entrance of this deep cave and wondering who is that idiot down there repeating all the things I shout?
09:38 AM I did not fall, my Lord, the earth simply rotated at the wrong angle.
09:50 AM Roses are red, violets are blue. I suck at poetry. Great One, can you heal me now?
04:55 PM On the bright side, I have a new shortest suicide note. On the bad side, all that talk about killing the Jabberwookie doing irreparable damage to the fabric of space-time was true. Cosmic things are more up your alley though so I’ll leave you to fix that.
05:01 PM A Game Overlord jumped out of a bush with a wide, wicked smile and said ‘Well, well, well! We finally meet, DashSloop!’.
05:07 PM Following a mass dust bunny recall, Bess was returned to me in much better condition with polished teeth and purring smoothly.
05:10 PM The death of the monster came as no great shock to anyone, except for it, of course. And me. Got 34 coins.
05:11 PM Note to self: The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
05:13 PM As my call to arms ended in another debacle, I made a far more effective call to legs and quickly left the scene.
05:49 PM The Grim Leaper begged me to spare its life, so I decided to do so and continued on my way. I can still remember its plea for mercy: “Come back and fight, you coward!”
10:45 PM The town doctor told me that I was emotionally unstable. I punched him in the face, then huddled into a ball on the ground and cried.
10:59 PM The Hungry Hungry Hypocrite complained and demanded my hero license number and Godville registration card. I smashed it in the head again. It was a boring conversation anyway.
09:01 AM Bathed in the fountain of youth, but used the soap of premature aging. Ended up roughly the same.
09:58 AM A sign reading ‘Free Beer!’ points straight to the lair of a Bricked Chupacabra. Cool! This is far too obvious to be a trap.
09:59 AM I suspect Bess of eating an artifact. He’s not fessing up, but the bits of the thingamajig stuck to his teeth sure speak otherwise.
10:23 AM Jumped off a bridge because everyone else was doing it.
08:38 PM Was confronted by my nemesis. In truth, I expected something more dignified than a squirrel.
08:30 PM Passed the point of no returns, refunds, or exchanges.
08:44 PM The Holey Ghost was vanquished. I stood upon its lifeless body for you, my Lord!
08:45 PM Watched a chicken cross the road.
08:49 PM Saw a charred body clutching a copy of “Atheism for Dummies”. He must have angered his god somehow.
12:12 AM Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. Unless, however, I’m very low on health… in which case I’m allowed to hide and quiver in a bush somewhere.
01:16 AM Met Emerald Lizard, and together we rested by a campfire. The warm meal and the good company helped restore quite a bit of my health.
07:54 AM Practiced searching for traps. Found one. Now if I can just get this thing off my leg…
12:47 PM Dear Diary, the time has finally come for me to write down this really important confession… Oh, wait! It’s a Continental Drifter!
12:36 PM Challenged a statue to a staring contest and shamefully lost. Challenged it to a drinking contest afterward and reasserted my dominance.
09:50 PM When I told the Demotivational Speaker that my mission was to kill as many bosses as possible, its demeanor changed completely. It called me an honorary comrade of the Common Monsters’ Revolution and handed me the word on the street in recognition of my service to the cause. Weird.
07:03 PM The Antihero said it was feeling down and needed a hug. So I gave it one. Around the neck. With a rope.