I dimly remember crawling around in discarded body parts. Most may not be able to remember their births, but I do, perfectly. Maybe that is because it was so painful. I remember crawling over to the edge, over the dead. I don’t know how I did it. I had already been ripped apart, like all the bodies under me. I only had one arm left, attached to my chest, which I used to slowly pull myself along. My legs, my other arm, my stomach, and lastly, my head, all had been wrenched off. Right now it is just my torso being pulled along by one arm. It is difficult. All these loose arms and legs are hard to crawl over. I think I am looking for my head. Yes, I remember now. I am watching my dismembered chest drag towards me now. It is terrifying, but somehow I am determined enough. Nevermind how I am still alive. After what seems like eternity, my torso reaches me, my head. Now I just need to find my arm and legs. But I don’t sense them near. The bin is overflowing; maybe they fell over the edge. I lurch over to the edge. Progress is easier now, with my head loosely attached. I reach the edge, but before I can stop myself, my body dislodges several decapitated heads, and I slide over and fall. Hitting the ground causes no pain at all. I can feel my limbs are close now. The floor is smooth and hard, but I still must struggle past the overflow of body parts. I find my other arm. My pace increases rapidly as I attach my arm. I see and feel my severed abdomen lying a little ahead. I am happy to see it still has one leg. Less work. Just the last leg left. I am almost upon it, when I sense a massive presence approaching. Someone’s come to clean up the mess; to clean up their massacre. I cannot run away yet. I look up at the towering creature just at it looks down at me, and a woman in white gasps in horror and stumbles back. I press my momentary advantage and roar angrily at her. It comes out as a high pitched shriek, but she screams and runs away frantically. I realize suddenly that I am a baby. I wake up.
“I am dead; just freshly died.
Once, I could have lived, years on end,
But suddenly, life lived has been withdrawn.
ripped backwards into time, thrown into creation,
And seeing… Everything that could have been.
I see pain, feel the fire of hate against me,
the soul torn by disappointment, strife ripped it in two.
Ashes of a heart drip down.
Yet regrowth, like the fabled phoenix,
rebirth through flame and burning.
A heart that has survived, a soul renewed,
that can love and hope.
I see love, happiness, a fortress in the wind,
And us, playing like children in the sand.
All is right, life has been weathered,
We have survived.
But that is what could have been.
This is not what has been.
For now, I realize what I really am.
Not a soul, not a heart, just a collection
Of mold, parasites, living within a mother’s skin.
I am unwanted, I am not a human, I cannot feel a thing.
So now, kill me. The world will not miss a thing.
What I could have been, what I would have been,
the simplicity of my life that would been lived,
end me now.
For nothing am I, but dust inside.
This dust, could be made beautiful,
my dust, turning into a man who would live,
Hurt, cry, ache, want to die, and finally,
Live. Learn to live. Hope for love.
This splintered story could have been.
But remember, right now, I am just dead skin.
Not even capable of thought, but just growing
Mildew. Here I am, a rot inside a woman’s body.
I am the beginning of life, barely even alive,
but since I am not there yet -
You have killed me.
Before I have even lived.
I, Man who would have been, Forsaken Child,
A being not substantial or meaning much,
Bequeath my life to death within the womb.
I die here, in the cradle of the grave of life.
My chance to live, has been sacrificed.
To the god of forsaken sparks.
Here I fall, between life and death, neither
Of which I have known at all.
For I am just a jumble of cells, I am not alive.
I am matter, dirt, substance, blood but not life.
I could be meat on your plate, a plant in the ground,
A cloud in the sky, and a worm in the dirt.
So go ahead, kill me now.
I am dead.
You will never see me again.
When in reality, you have never seen me at all.
You will have to find another.
One who is not just dead trash,
Inside a woman’s body,
Who doesn’t want me.
And so, she cleansed me, long ago.
Don’t worry, I was only an empty shell.