One fateful day, Alainia was skipping joyfully through Godville wreaking havoc on anything and everything that got in her way.
All of a sudden, clouds covered the sky and thunder shook the ground. A voice was heard from above. “The almighty goddess Ceccetticat has chosen you to be her personal heroine.” “Who the heck is Ceccetticat?” Alainia retorted. Ceccetticat struck her with lightning as an answer.
A few days later, Alainia wandered through the countryside wreaking havoc on everything and everything that got in her way, but she had a purpose! …Sort of. If she slowed down she was instantly struck with a lightning bolt. Well, if she sped up, stopped, slept, or did anything other than exactly what Ceccetticat wanted she still got hit with the lightning.
Interview with Ceccetticat
Interviewer: I’ve heard that you use a rather unconventional method for training your heroes, which is, er, lightning. What’s your reasoning behind this?
Ceccetticat: Heroes aren’t the smartest. Best to train ‘em good while they’re young before they get an even bigger ego.
I: There’s also a rumor that you enjoy punishing your devotees. Is this true?
C: What’s not to enjoy?
After a few days of this treatment Alainia realized just how truly awesome Ceccetticat was. She began to think. (Which is very rare for her, Ceccetticat should be proud!) “What could benefit such a great and powerful goddess, and make her like me more?” Then it hit her. Literally. A golden brick fell from the sky and landed on her head. “Amazing!” cried Alainia. “My godess, I pledge to build you a temple out of these bricks so more people can worship your name!” To her dismay, when she returned to town she found many others were already doing the exact same thing.
A month later, having gained multiple levels and a motto, Alainia battled a vicious Rocky Racoon. She almost landed her final blow, but paused and looked into its scared, rabid eyes. Alainia shivered then dropped her weapon and hugged the monster. “I’ve always wanted a companion, raccoon. You can be my companion. I’ll call you Rex.” She smiled and started brushing Rex’s fur until a voice from the heavens thundered “I AM YOUR COMPANION!” and Alainia felt an itchy rash spread from her neck to her ankles.
Alainia rejoiced that she had completed her 100th quest. She grabbed both of Rex’s paws and twirled him around the campfire. Ceccetticat sent some acid to join in the fun.
As a powerful Multi-Legged Luggage towered over the already weakened Alainia, ready to strike the final blow, Rex ran up and shielded Alainia. The blow hit Rex and he fell over dead. Ceccetticat grumbled from above. “Alainia, that pet was worth more than your life! I can resurrect you easily! Alainia cried out, “Why? Why did he have to die? He was my one true companion!” “…and you’re not even a high enough level to be able to tame a Tier 2 pet!” Ceccetticat continued ranting from above as spikes popped randomly out of the ground.
In the middle of a fierce skirmish, Alainia tried to tickle her adversary into submission. It seemed to work until the hero lifted his arm up and poked Alainia’s nose. “Oooow! What was that for? I thought you were dead!” she cried. After a few more fierce blows, the hero forced Alainia to submit. “Fine…but next time…Ouch!” She was interrupted as a pile of pomegrenades rained down from the heavens. She heard a voice from above, “Don’t you lose another skirmish! My arena record is bad enough as it is!” as another pomegrenade fell from the sky. She scowled and looked up. “Almighty, stop throwing things at me! My head already hurts!”
Alainia smiled as she dragged her new pet into town to show him off. “Meet Sooba!” she exclaimed proudly. As the other heros snorted and giggled, she frowned. “What? Rocky raccoons are good pets!”
A voice boomed from the sky during an intense battle with a Gummy Wyrm. “Die, Sooba! Die!” Alainia keeled over, her heart having quit beating. “Humph. Should’ve known you wouldn’t listen to voice commands.”
As Alainia was resurrected, she looked around anxiously for Sooba. “Almighty, where’d he go? Where’s Sooba?” She searched from Godville to Unspecifidestan before she found him dead in a ditch. “Why, Almighty? You knew he couldn’t survive on his own!” Thunder was heard from above. “My point exactly, Alainia.”
Interview with Ceccetticat
Interviewer: It’s been rumored that you killed your hero’s rocky raccoon Sooba.
Ceccetticat: No comment. It was a useless old fleabag.
I: Is there anything you hate more than early-level rocky raccoons?
C: Yes, actually, there is. Two words: Dust Bunnies.
Alainia was selling her artifacts at the trader’s hut when a golden light shone from the heavens. Alainia was lifted a few inches off the ground and desposited gently back down as a ring of butterflies flew around her head. “That felt really good! I could get used to that!” Alainia exclaimed. Suddenly a thumping noise was heard from above. “No! Wrong button!” Alainia looked upward. “Ceccetticat, is that you?” “Stupid…lag…” Then a lightning bolt zapped the trader, the butterflies grew fangs and bit Alainia, and a few villagers began repeating, “Harvest Moon. Harvest Moon. Harvest Moon. Harvest…” with peculiarly blank stares.
Alainia watched as Boo the Trojan Horse walked off a cliff. He fell and shattered into thousands of pieces as Alainia stared down at him. She then jumped off the cliff and followed him. The skies turn dark and Ceccetticat screeches, “Alainia, you idiot!”
Alainia groggily woke up on an altar while priests circled around and chanted. Their chants sounded mysteriously like, “La-ta-knee-nah-la-ta-knee-nah-la-ta!” Alainia sat up and looked around, eyes wild. She turned her head and waved her hands at the priests. “You guys aren’t thinking of sacrificing me to Nenalata, are you? He doesn’t even exist! No matter what Fallon Skye says…she’s a few gold bricks short in her temple, if you know what I mean.” The priests ignored her and continued chanting. She shook her head and quietly sneaked away.
Alainia wrestled on top of a foot-long bear. She finally pinned it down but her shirt began to smoke. She yelled, “It burns, it burns!” then quickly roed off. She rifled through her pack until she found a long rope. She tied up the bear, who continued burping fire. Or was he sneezing? Alainia laughed and yelled to the heavens, “Hey! Ceccetticat! I’ve found my new pet! I think I’ll name him Burpy!” Ceccetticat sent a bucket of ice water down to change her mind and douse her flaming shirt. “All right, all right, I’ll name him Sneezy. I still haven’t lived down the Sooba incident.”
Alainia smiled down at her brand new pet and temple medals. “Now that I’ve finally accomplished all there is to life, I’ll finally be able to settle down. Maybe Ceccetticat will finally stop throwing lightning at me!” As she finished the statement, a cinderblock fell from the sky and landed on her foot with a copy of the Godville Times. She hefted the block off of her now throbbing foot and picked up the paper. “NEW SAVINGS BANKS OPENED IN TOWNS: SAVE YOUR GOLD!” Alainia’s eyes narrowed and she ground her teeth at the sky. “I’m never gonna catch a break, am I?! First you take away my life, now my booze money?” She tossed the cinderblock back up in the sky to try and hit Ceccetticat but what comes up must come down and she woke up three days later with a nice headache.
Interview with Ceccetticat
Ceccetticat: Y’all are never going to run out of questions, are you?
Interviewer: Nope, that’s definitely one thing we’re not lacking.
I: Have you ever considered giving your hero a break?
C: Break? Why would she need a break? She seems perfectly happy with the lightning, doom, and destruction that comes with being an evil heroine.
I: Have you ever considered switching alignments? Maybe to get the Saint achievement?
C: Never! I’m evil through and through. Some of these achievements are just silly, like Careerist and Renegade. Never gonna happen!