Dearest Lord Almighty, a most wonderous occurrence has come to pass. As I was traversing through this mysterious labyrinth of milestones, a large stone tablet descended upon me and a great voice from the heavens commanded, “You shalt inscribe upon this here stone a chronicle of your heroic life.” And so it shall be done.
Day 1 The stars shine like lanterns in the night sky, mocking me as I drag my wounded body back to Godville. Perhaps a frothy mug of beer will set broken bones back in place. Alas, from the great kindness within me, I have given my fortune to a poor Ligerian prince in need of a friend. No need for applause, Great One. My good deeds are reward enough. Wait a minute——
Hey sorry Your Holiness! That stinkin bard just up and left when he found out I didn’t have any gold. But what do you think? Pretty epic stuff right? I have better things to do then be a ninny and carve fancy words into a rock. Heroic things, Great One! How do you expect me to kill monsters and drink my daily dose of beer if I am holed away in some corner writing? This whole chronicle thing wasn’t very well thought out on your part. Gods can be such blockheads sometimes…
Now just a minute, Your Most Magnificient Wonderbeing, no need to be so hasty with those lightning bolts (insert uneasy laugh here). Holy Great Lord of Amazingness, I can see from that swarm of locust coming my way that you’re mad. When I said “blockheads” I actually meant “Gracious Fabulous Heavenly Father”. Yeah. Saying the opposite of what you really mean is all the rage down here with us mortals. You stink! (See, now what I really meant there was “I am your humble servant and it would be very godly of you if you would call off those locusts right about now, thanks”)
If you don’t mind, I will be heading to the tavern now. But don’t worry, I will stay right on top of this whole chronicle thing, Great One.
Day 35 Um, I drank some beer. It was good. Oh yeah, I also killed some monsters. Same old, same old. Am I supposed to talk about my feelings or something?
Day 47 I forgot I was carrying this stone tablet around with me… which is weird because it is so incredibly heavy. Huh. Blame it on the alcohol, O Gracious One. Am I right or am I right?