Hero

Gravatar

Beefus 6

level 144
trader level 16

Lock and Load! 🐂

Age 12 years 11 months
Personality neutral
Guild Cows with Guns
(hightaurus)
Monsters Killed 1.5 million
Death Count 248
Wins / Losses 77 / 55
Temple Completed at 08/01/2012
Ark Completed at 08/16/2015 (575.4%)
Pairs Gathered at 01/08/2018
Book Written at 05/22/2022
Souls Gathered 49.62%
Shop “Bricks and Mortar”
Pet Insomni-yak Snowy 46th level
Boss Oxydjinn with 253% of power

Equipment

Weapon vortex cannon +153
Shield mental defense +153
Head big brother hood +157
Body diamond duster +154
Arms not-so-smart watch +154
Legs clogs of stealth +155
Talisman fiber of being +155

Skills

  • golden vein level 194
  • strike of the rabbit level 188
  • sword-swallowing level 165
  • powerful sneeze level 156
  • self-propelled feet level 152
  • save-load level 149
  • mating contact level 144
  • dragon pout level 141
  • brain dilution level 129
  • quantum leap level 127

Feats

  • ⓷ Get featured in the newspaper as a famous hero
  • ⓵ Dig up and defeat three bosses
  • ⓵ Die to a monster and lose 15k gold

Pantheons

Might108
Templehood1607
Gladiatorship6293
Mastery98
Taming247
Survival562
Savings142
Arkeology271
Catch95
Wordcraft132
Soulfulness141
Unity43
Popularity175
Duelery269
Adventure34

Achievements

  • Honored Animalist
  • Honored Careerist
  • Honored Favorite
  • Honored Shipwright
  • Builder, 1st rank
  • Fiend, 1st rank
  • Freelancer, 1st rank
  • Hunter, 1st rank
  • Martyr, 1st rank
  • Miner, 1st rank
  • Moneybag, 1st rank
  • Raider, 1st rank
  • Saint, 1st rank
  • Savior, 1st rank
  • Scribbler, 1st rank
  • Champion, 2nd rank
  • Scientist, 2nd rank
  • Soulcatcher, 2nd rank
  • Renegade, 3rd rank

Hero's Chronicles

07:56: Entered a bamboo grove to get some rest and met Torgough there. Drank from a mug to commemorate the lucky meeting and smoked a peace-pipe. Lost track of time.
20:30: Found a mountain cave that had been ransacked by clowns. I took some beer from a blood-covered barrel. I think I saw some cat corpses too.
22:36: Stopped to feed and groom my pet. Rex purred excitedly in anticipation of causing property damage.
18:05: The Tweedle Doom was eliminated. Found a hot pocket.
09:54: It turns out that a rocky raccoon sure can come in handy! Who knew that I could polish my armor by rubbing it on his coat?
00:25: Ha, pillows are for wimps! Last night I slept on a turtle.
18:24: Heard a shout resonate from within an adobe hut: ‘Explain why you don’t have anything “protecting your head”.’
15:45: I successfully completed my quest to go on a wild goose chase. Looted treasure – check! Slain princess – check! Rescued dragon – check… Whoops! There might have been a small confusion. I better get rid of all evidence…
19:54: Felt a burning desire to disassemble the mystery box. Found a notarized document inside stating that I’ve died fewer times than I thought. Nice.
19:54: Felt a burning desire to examine the box with a question mark. Sadly, my notarized death certificate was inside. Strange, I don’t recall that particular death, but it’s simply impossible to appeal a notarized certificate.
14:13: I’m leading a magnificent heroic charge. You know, it’s unfortunate that no one else is following.
19:28: The pain in my liver has suddenly vanished. Thank you, Omnipotent One. Now I don’t have to quit drinking!
00:14: Suddenly felt a flash of burning heat that melted my coins into a golden brick. My pocket is not a foundry, Exalted One, but thanks anyway.
19:45: Noticed a notice on a notice board by the road saying: ‘If you notice this notice, you’ll notice that this notice is noticeably not worth noticing’. Why did I take the time to notice that?
14:27: Suddenly my praystation transformed into a shiny blue brick and was swept away into the sky. I guess the Mighty One also collects bricks…
19:21: LA LA LA LA LA! I can’t hear you Mighty One!
21:14: A sudden gust of wind knocked me off my feet, making me fall back onto my coin purse. I gingerly looked inside it, only to find that a whole bunch of coins had been crushed and fused into a golden brick! I really need to start counting calories…
11:58: A strong blow from the Aardvark of the Covenant knocked my reality distortion shield into a better alignment, enhancing its quality.
12:03: All wild animals and insects sang a merry tune and trees performed a dance. I know you blessed me, Most Righteous One, but that was still a bit creepy.
12:48: A weird looking man with a stew pot on his head whispered to me: ‘Keep on the good job Meso! You’re a mighty moustached man indeed!’ What was that, I wonder?
15:45: Went with my pet to professional pet wrestling. Pinky valiantly defeated and marked the opponent, earning us 4489 coins! Great job, Pinky!
09:08: The ground split and flames shot out of the newly formed cracks as a trader’s stall slowly rose up from the bowels of the earth. This seems like a trustworthy fellow… to business!
06:37: Forgot what my current quest was all about. Guess I’ll start to take two aspirin and quest again in the morning instead.
03:37: I was set upon by a gang of marauding clowns. I managed to quickly repel their attack by going straight for the juggler.
07:52: I’m as drunk as I can possibly be, Luminous One. I shall invest these 6449 coins for the future instead of spending them on beer, so that I can be this drunk all the time when I retire.
09:52: The banana in my lunchbox started ringing. I picked it up and heard: “Pray!”.
09:52: Sorry, Almighty… I’m too tired to think of a witty comeback.
02:31 PM While passing a river I heard Nevrei yelling. When I found him nearly drowning I heroically jumped in to save the day. After watching both of us struggle for our lives for several minutes, Baloo sighed and pulled us out of the water.
04:43 PM Ran into TytheMagnificent laying a wreath of flowers near one of my old tombstones, which read, “The Once and Future Home of Beefus.”
08:59 PM Just as my health was getting low, I remembered the bottle of hot sauce in my pocket. Poured it all over my arms and legs. When the Grim Creeper bit into me again, its eyes suddenly went wide and it ran away screaming for water. That was close!
06:08 PM A sudden tremor rocked the town as a new tavern rose from the ground. I quickly claimed ownership for “Cows with Guns”. I have a feeling that we are going to get more members from Tradeburg!
06:06 PM I am Beefus, and I approve this message.
12:27 PM You know, Mighty One, if I could do what Baloo’s doing right now, I wouldn’t even need a date.
09:26 PM Alpha Centaur ahead. I’m going in. If I’m not back in 10 minutes, resurrect me.
10:52 PM Baloo suddenly raised his muzzle and howled with all his might. The Decepticorn and its fellows dispersed, shrieking with fear.
06:47 PM Completed my quest to find out how many quests there are, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. No, wait. That was for Baloo. I didn’t get anything!
12:46 AM Finished my quest to cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with a herring. Baloo was rewarded with some experience and a board for his alpha centaur house. Wait a minute!
12:13 PM Walked up to a Wi-Fly and in a conspiratorial voice whispered: ‘Lock and Load!’. The monster went pale with fear and ran away, leaving behind a bag of gold coins.
01:44 PM The mayor of Godvillewood suddenly started choking during a public ceremony. I leapt from the crowd, yelled out ‘Not on ’Cows with Guns’s watch!’ and performed the Heimlich maneuver until the mayor coughed up a leprechaun and started to breathe again. They’ll remember our guild around here, that’s for sure.
12:28 AM Beefus looked alarmed and pointed behind Spartacusssssss. Spartacusssssss refused to fall for that old trick, and got mauled by the Tripodal Spider standing behind him.
08:47 PM I heard that if you love someone, you should set them free. I released Baloo into the wild to pursue his hopes and dreams. Meanwhile, I’m off to pursue all my greatest ambitions, in the tavern. (Lvl32)
08:31 PM During the middle of our fight, the Ineptocrat was hurled high into the air by a random tornado. Its body didn’t come down until after it was struck by a series of lightning bolts and fireballs. Almighty, are you having a bad day?
05:11 PM Excuse me, Exalted One, I appreciate that you heal and resurrect me and all, but next time can you not cleanse the alcohol from my body? I spent a lot of coins to get that drunk, and now I have to start over again!
11:57 AM A little pink cloud descended in front of me. I reached out to touch it and withdrew a handful of cotton candy! Spent the next few minutes in utter bliss. Yum yum!
12:22 PM Beefus tore into Terracotta Worrier like a four-year-old on a sugar rampage.
08:27 AM Attended a daytime talk show. The DNA test showed that I am not Simba’s biological father!
10:37 AM Suddenly felt movement in my pocket and pulled out an official document stating that the leader of “Cows with Guns” is a descendant of the town’s founder. The citizens of Last Resort seem to like us a lot more now!
11:57 PM Went with my pet to professional pet wrestling. Simba valiantly defeated and marked the opponent, earning us 3862 coins! Great job, Simba!
11:21 PM Marengo and I thought up an ingenious plan to make our praying more productive. We each press one of our hands together, which frees up the other hand for objects such as beer glasses. Praising has never been more enjoyable!
10:30 AM Saw a younger hero looking quizzically at his quest scroll. I took it and said I would find and then tip the balance of power for him. He’s much too young for it anyway.
10:09 PM A wandering alchemist just told me that alcohol is a solution. I completely agree.
02:49 AM Soaring up into the air in a beam of colorful light, Simba started to look bigger and stronger. Hmm, there isn’t any reason to fear for my life, is there?(31) Then…
02:54 AM An epic but short burst of music played mysteriously, and the words “Level Up!” appeared above my head in glorious 3D. Seems I’m level 78 now!
08:12 PM I rolled the Wumpus up into a tiny ball and placed it on a tee. Grabbed my weapon, took aim and swatted the beast across the field where it landed in an empty grave. Hole in one!
09:39 AM Game over! Press “Resurrect” to continue…
Cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with a herring
05:49 AM I heard that if you love someone, you should set them free. I released Simba into the wild to pursue his hopes and dreams. Meanwhile, I’m off to pursue all my greatest ambitions, in the tavern. (Lvl36)
08:07 AM I was just about to defeat the Gummy Wyrm when he pulled out a beer and offered it to me. Hey, I could use a good drinking buddy. Slapped a collar on him and named him Sparky. He looks like he’s regretting his choice now.
11:58 AM Pet Care Tip: Pets do not like practical jokes at their expense. For instance, do not hang a “Wide Load” sign on the tail of your gummy wyrm.
Pantheon of Popularity: 3 (8/1/14)
01:55 PM A wandering stranger told me that everyone has the right to be stupid. I have a feeling that the Almighty thinks I abuse the privilege.
09:00 PM Butt out, Sparky. There is no “we” in “bacon”.
03:01 AM By the power of Godville, I have the power! A new level 84 is mine, Great One.
11:46 AM Oh Mighty One, if you made me immortal, this resurrection business would be way more convenient for you.
08:39 AM Successfully flirted my way out of a speeding ticket, but had to pay a much bigger fine of 1260 gold coins for grossing out a lawman.
07:15 AM Oh, look at them, they’re so cute! Wait, that guy shouldn’t pet them… oh… that’s not so cute. I’m just going to leave now.
Hope that I won’t have to take the hounds of war to the dog park again. But the reward was good: an extra dose of experience and a shiny golden brick!
Quest #2073 Take the moral high ground, by force if necessary.
10:22 AM I heard that if you love someone, you should set them free. I released Sparky into the wild to pursue his hopes and dreams. Meanwhile, I’m off to pursue all my greatest ambitions, in the tavern. (Lvl 28)
06:08 AM Yup, the hell’s all out. Just heaven left in it now. Still burnt my tongue when I tried to drink it though, which was not very heavenly.
They said only an idiot would try to create holy water by boiling the hell out of it. I guess they were right: after all the travels and blood, I only got an axe of valor and 663 gold coins.
05:39 PM After exiting the bar in a drunken stupor, I accidentally donated 5477 gold coins to Lightning Palm’s temple. Hope my Lord doesn’t find out.
05:42 PM Donated 438 coins to you, Omnipotent One, as a life insurance premium.
Making impromptu speeches at events he wasn’t invited to…
Quest # 2115 Rescue a captive from a diary factory
01:10 PM Combined “electrostatic discharge” with one of my other skills against the Shooting Tsar, knocking both it and myself flat. Wow!
03:42 PM Challenged myself to a drinking contest and won! Now I owe myself a beer. This could take a while, Almighty.
06:52 PM As thunder rumbled and lightning the sky, Boo began to with a glorious and terrifying light. Great One, why can’t leveling up be this <21+> for me?
06:09 PM Reached level 87. Now I am officially allowed to do the things I’ve been doing all along. Heck yeah!
10:14 AM I’m so ashamed. Boo finally had to go over and ask another vengeful mole for directions. He’ll never let me live this down.
09:00 PM Talked with Balrok from 50 milestones away using smoke signals. I love this instant messaging thing.
11:05 AM Hooray! I just aged another level: 88! So Mighty One, where is my birthday present?
07:32 PM Channeled my love from within and delivered a brutal hug to the monster. It suffered from a few moments of air deprivation. Thank you for the kindness, my Lord!
03:38 PM Channeled my love from within and delivered a brutal hug to the monster. It suffered from a few moments of air deprivation. Thank you for the kindness, my Lord!
03:39 PM Right before its death the Healing Punslinger restored my health and gave me a second-aid kit.
03:41 AM A log! A thousandth log! I’m even ready for a flood now. Not that I’m asking for it, Most Righteous One.
For completing an epic quest I was complimented, fed and given six logs for the ark and a golden brick as a reward.
02:23 AM I’ve grown slightly bigger as I hit level 90. More of me to love, my Lord!
10:22 AM Made a wish upon a shooting star as it hurtled into the head of the Afterlife Coach. my first punish went well. >:-)
09:11 AM Heard a booming voice from the heavens yell “Incoming!” I barely had time to duck before a giant custard pie hit the Enlightened Presidentist squarely between the eyes, sending it reeling. That gag never gets old, Great One
07:01 PM The execution of my “clinical strike” skill was so perfectly brutal that 90 percent of the Infrared Visionary’s surface area is now an exit wound.
14:12 I’m like level 92 now! I’m like way more mature now! You can’t tell me what to do anymore, Exalted One.
16:35 At the Great One’s behest, the heavens opened up with a rain of gardening tools. The Undead Tower Defender dodged the worst of them, but stepped on two rakes and a hoe, smacking itself in the face each time.
10:30 I’m tired of making lemonade, Most Righteous One. Could you arrange for life to start giving me limes for a while?
08:28 I can’t believe I’m level 95 already. People tell me that I look much younger though, and I still act like a total noob.
07:45 I leveled up! A huge golden podium rose out of the ground, giving me a chance to do an epic hero pose. Finally a level up as extravagant as Tigger’s!
17:26 Gloriana Jean and I thought up an ingenious plan to make our praying more productive. We each press one of our hands together, which frees up the other hand for objects such as beer glasses. Praising has never been more enjoyable!
09:04 I’m going back to town, Great One. The tavern is having a special today and I must check their menu for any grammatical errors.
Putting the ‘I’ in aimless, pointless and futile…
06:49 Tigger ran into a phone booth. He spun around quickly, and was very excited to find himself bigger, stronger and leveled up.(30 – first in ark 8/24/16)
18:36 After such a glorious battle with the Dreaded Gazebo I could not bring myself to deliver the finishing blow. Instead, he will be my new companion. Come along, Rex, let’s go questing! (8/25/16)
12:58 Passed a pond. Discovered I have an irrational fear of koi.
08:51 I leveled up! A huge golden podium rose out of the ground, giving me a chance to do an epic hero pose. Finally a level up as extravagant as Rex’s! (11/10/16, lvl 99)
18:50 Notes from the battlefield: Snowman was too tough and strong for me. Bribed it with 1904 gold coins and retreated in an attempt to comprehend what happened.
(12/25/16)
17:58 Harder, better, faster, stronger… I’m level 100 and I’m loving every minute of it!
@Beefus – 100th-level adventurer, member of the “Cows with Guns” guild, with the motto “Lock and Load! ?”, stands at the 185th position in the pantheon of mastery under the vigilant supervision of the god Beefus. He thinks that a High Horse slow roasted in its own juices is one of the finest delicacies that Last Resort has to offer.
19:49 Reached level 101. Now I am officially allowed to do the things I’ve been doing all along. Heck yeah!(2/15/17)
12:18 As thunder rumbled and lightning split the sky, Rex began to shine with a glorious and terrifying light. Almighty, why can’t leveling up be this impressive for me?

  1. in the ark. (4/15/17)
    04:18 I was just about to defeat the Thesaurus Rex when he pulled out a beer and offered it to me. Hey, I could use a good drinking buddy. Slapped a collar on him and named him Simba. He looks like he’s regretting his choice now. (4/15/17)
    21:53 Great One, you don’t understand! Your commands come in many forms. Missives, I can take. Epistles, I can take. But missiles?!
    11:54 A power from up above tried to raise me up into the heavens. I failed to rise more than an inch off the ground before I heard an otherworldly grunt and fell down in a heap. Do you even lift, Mighty One?
    Pantheon of Destruction: 1 (9/18/17)
    14:25 Alright, I’m now level 104! Decided to use my 4 new points on increasing my health. (92117)
    News from the 1312th milestone (12/27/17)
    04:57 Omnipotent One, I just re-counted the pairs and I think the ark now has a thousand of them. We’re not going to cram another thousand in there, are we?(1/8/17)
    Newspaper: (2/6/18)
    Cows with Guns is a heroic horde of 29 heads located around 20th place in the pantheon of adventure. Veterans in this guild call themselves “hightaurus”. A chief totem aura supervisor here is Holey Cow. Based on the Guild Council excerpts seen by the Godville Times Editor… nevermind
    17:06 An epic but short burst of music played mysteriously, and the words “Level Up!” appeared above my head in glorious 3D. Seems I’m level 106 now! (2/9/18)
    Beefus – 106th-level adventurer, member of the “Cows with Guns” guild, with the motto “Lock and Load! 🐂”, stands at the 163rd position in the pantheon of savings under the vigilant supervision of the god Beefus. He is a huge fan of Lostway’s pubs.(3/19/18)
    08:48 It’s quite nice to walk along this road at night. Thanks to all the lightning bolts and healing beams, it isn’t that hard to see after all.
    16:27 Just when I was about to give up, a huge hand grabbed me, shook me gently, tapped me several times on the chest, wound me up, compared me to Akargriak, adjusted me, and set me on my feet. That was my weirdest resurrection yet!
    22:10 A giant rock fell from the sky and crushed two birds. Feeling whimsical are we, Luminous One?
    7/12/18 – Dipping the hard-earned nuggets of wisdom in the ranch sauce of ignorance…
    7/13/18 lvl 108 00:30 Pain wracks my body. I scream as golden light pours from every inch of my skin. I don’t think my clothes fit any more. Wait, was that a miracle, or did I regenerate? What do you think, Gleep, my faithful companion?
    Dressing as a rival guild’s mascot and inciting a riot…
    11/11/18 – First side job – 15:00 Reported my success at the side job agency and was rewarded with a valuable prize. Got two logs for the ark.
    12/28/18 – 18:23 The xmas stocking suddenly jumped out of my backpack, fell to the ground, started to sizzle, and slowly transformed into a xmas stocking. I love these SFX!
    1/3/19 – 02:52 Reached level 111. Now I am officially allowed to do the things I’ve been doing all along. Heck yeah!
    3/17/19 – 03:50 Reached level 112. Now I am officially allowed to do the things I’ve been doing all along. Heck yeah!
    20:39 Aha, vile Exo-skeleton! I shall kill you to death or worse!20:43 Had a pang of existential angst, which was suddenly overwhelmed by a sense of non-existential ennui. Or if you want the simple version, the Exo-skeleton killed me.
    20:47 Judging by my hangover, last night was awesome! Thanks, my Lord! Wait, am I in the morgue?
    10/18/20 03:27 Wow, 121! I don’t get older; I level up!
    1/8/21
    09:39 My weapon is glowing blue. A tavern must be nearby.
    8/31/21
    21:55 I’ve grown slightly bigger as I hit level 127. More of me to love, Soul Supreme!
    3/8/22
    22:45 I’ve grown slightly bigger as I hit level 130. More of me to love, my Lord!
    4/30/22
    Replacing the meaning of “awesome” in every dictionary with his god’s name…
    5/18/22
    09:33 As Scrat began to glow and grow, fleas jumped off his fur and performed an elaborate celebratory dance number. Why don’t my fleas do that when I level up? (lvl 49)
    5/22/22
    10:19 Wrote down the thousandth word into the holy book, took a deep breath and snapped my numb fingers. Hallelujah, Omnipotent One, the great work is done!
    9/2/22
    21:30 Heard a popping noise and noticed Scrat grew taller by an inch. Why can’t this happen to me when I level up?
    Level 53 pet
    11/1/22
    12:19 As thunder rumbled and lightning split the sky, Scrat began to shine with a glorious and terrifying light. Almighty, why can’t leveling up be this impressive for me?
    Level 55 pet
    12/15/22
    09:05 Wow, 135! I don’t get older; I level up!
    4/12/23
    06:00 Mighty One, today is special. It’s my birthday! (12 years)
    5/9/23
    15:20 Wow, I am level 138 now! Luckily, intelligence isn’t a requirement for level-ups.
    8/16/23 (lvl 140)
    00:41 “Experience” is the name everyone gives to their mistakes. I must have made a lot of mistakes, because I just leveled up!
    9/13/23
    11:31 A brief fanfare played as fireworks burst from my stall. Whoa, I’m trader level 14 now!