Thus begins the long, winding tale of the hideous righteous heroine, Fluffysa- Slayer of Monsters, Drinker of Beer, Owner of a Sundog named Tigger.
Fluffysa was born to wealthy, attractive parents, who when she was born, took one look at her, said ‘UGH!’, and immediately rushed to their patron deity, Annieysa9898 (who really regrets her god name but is too lazy to change it). They begged her to do something, anything to help their daughter live a proper, decent life. Annieysa9898 peered at them through her blurry glasses, and agreed to take their daughter on as a champion once she had come of age. Their subsequent cries of “Praise the gods!”, however, caused them to be zapped by an unexpected bolt of lightning. ‘Good grief,’ sniffed Annieysa9898, as she wandered back to her Math problems.
Fluffysa was left all alone in the woods, where she was raised by a family of kind Battlesheep, who taught her all they knew about baa-ttling enemies. When she was 10, they sent her to the Godville Academy for Novices (Motto: Damnant, hoc ad te omnis terribilis), where she was a mediocre student, barely passing all her classes, except for one- drinking.
Eventually the time came when Fluffysa’s instructors deemed her ready to face the big bad world (well, really, they didn’t know what to do with her anymore- she seemed to have learnt all her battered brain could handle, and seemed relatively able to survive out there) and let her loose on the unwitting city of Godville. Oh, those poor citydwellers. They would never know what hit them.
Upon reaching the city, she was pointed to a building site by a harried-looking Godville administrator (no, not the monster, and not the omnipotent beings that govern us gods- may all tremble before them.)
TO BE CONTINUED