07:33 AM Bought some potions for 188 gold coins. I was told that this gives my goddess the impression that I plan ahead.
07:37 AM The Flaw Enforcer decided to settle the battle amicably and handed over a rhetorical device as a gift.
07:39 AM They say time flies when you’re having fun. The Desert Beagle enjoyed defeating me so much that it aged dramatically and died of natural causes. I gained a laser bean and 30 coins from the experience.
09:34 AM Heroes and heroines, sitting under trees, R-E-S-T-I-N-G. No time for love, just devotion, receiving wounds not healable by potions.
09:34 AM I decided to take the backdoor into Dogville, but it turns out that the back door was the main door and I had been using the back door thinking it was the main door the whole time.
02:41 PM Tried to develop second sight in my third eye but found that it cancelled out my sixth sense.
04:30 PM Money makes the world go round? Well, beer makes it spin round twice as fast… To the tavern!
05:21 PM Just as my health was getting low, I remembered the bottle of hot sauce in my pocket. Poured it all over my arms and legs. When the Incendiary Firefly bit into me again, its eyes suddenly went wide and it ran away screaming for water. That was close!
06:12 PM I saw another heroine showered with rose petals and glitter as she was lifted into the air by a flock of bluebirds. Please don’t ever embarrass me like that, Almighty. Pinky promise?
07:46 PM This pain from my most recent wound is a pleasant distraction from the pain I felt from the wound before it.
06:09 AM Attended group therapy with the voices in my head. They all agreed I was disruptive and asked me to leave.
06:14 AM Passed the point of no returns, refunds or exchanges.
07:03 PM The ground split open and flames shot out of the newly-formed cracks as a trader’s stall slowly rose up from the bowels of the earth. He seems like a trustworthy fellow… to business!
06:51 AM This book of magic is useless. They didn’t even run a spell check on it.
07:25 PM So I met an Income Taxidermist and yada, yada, yada… now I’ve got 20 gold coins and an assault & battery charger.
07:35 PM Tried to lick my own elbow. All I got was a twisted neck and a strong sense of dissatisfaction.
08:45 PM The town doctor told me that I was emotionally unstable. I angrily punched him in the face, then huddled into a ball on the ground and cried in sorrow.
04:22 AM A comforting wind brought a smell of lavender and comfrey to me, as I felt a kiss brush against each and every wound. Thanks for the healing, Exalted One, but don’t you think that was a little too personal?
02:19 AM My Goddess, I’ve been having second thoughts about being a heroine. I usually only have first thoughts… does that mean I’ve become twice as clever?
07:04 AM Found a strange machine with a coin slot. Inserted a coin and was rewarded with a cup of coffee. Must have drunk a dozen by now, but I’ll carry on playing as long as I keep on winning.
06:58 AM With my head still spinning from a powerful blow, I accidentally used my vial of vitamin C++ on the monster. Judging by the shriek that followed, the Origami Dragon usually heals in some other way.
07:13 AM The Final Frontiersman’s last words were profound and life-changing, but I forgot them as soon as I saw its 86 gold coins.
07:19 AM When I look at my equipment, sometimes I wonder whether the armorer and the blacksmith are a couple of brilliant fashion designers or a pair of sadists.
07:22 AM Sorry, Most Righteous One. This entry was a lot funnier earlier, but the Deliverator grabbed my diary and corrected my grammar.
01:26 PM The trader told me that no heroine should own something as powerful as my hand satanizer, and gave me 405 coins to destroy it.
06:41 PM Came across a sign that read: “Trespassers will be shot”. Next to it was a sign that read: “Survivors will be shot again”.
07:32 PM Just met a man in red with a white beard who smelled of meat and cheese as he sat on his throne of lies. Told him what I wanted for Christmas anyway.
07:00 PM The Inner Child experienced structural failure during the course of normal use, well within its expected lifetime. Checked the warranty, boxed it up before sending it back to the factory for a refund of 8 coins.
07:22 PM A stranger came close to me and whispered: “Never talk to strangers.”
06:41 AM With a sudden shriek, a crazy doctor jumped out from the bushes, stitched up my wounds, and disappeared in a puff of smoke. I feel much better now but I think I might need to change my pants.
05:50 PM I charged the Caterpillar of Strength, this time making sure the pointy end of my weapon was facing away from me.
05:00 PM The pen is mightier than the sword. En garde, my diary. Scribble. Scribble. Scribble.
09:19 AM Found an odd book lying on the side of the road. Decided to open it when suddenly a piece of paper fell out. It read, “find a gateway to a perpendicular universe.” Just great, Almighty. This is the last time I’m ever opening a book!
08:09 PM I wasn’t sure if I’d ever find it, but I did! I got all twisted around like a pretzel trying to follow the lights. Weird things were going on, and I could hear strange noises. It was the gateway. A stranger with a tall hat called it a ‘circus’, but I know better!
Hope that I won’t have to find a gateway to a perpendicular universe again. But the reward was good: an extra dose of experience and a shiny golden brick!
07:31 AM Saw a dead heroine who had lost all her equipment. Covered her politely with strategically placed fig leaves.
07:56 AM Luckily, I don’t write down everything that pops into my mind. Refrigerator.
09:02 PM When I volunteered to try to shake the feeling of being watched, the questgiver said he had never seen such a sorry-looking heroine. He’s obviously never been to the tavern at closing time.
09:01 AM How lonely my life would be without divine company. So. Let them watch!
Finally completed my quest to try to shake the feeling of being watched. Got some experience and a golden brick after a long, draggy cutscene.
02:00 PM Spent some time eating cucumber sandwiches and daintily drinking tea. It may have made me look like an idiot, but at least it restored some of my health.
04:48 PM Drank all night in the tavern and couldn’t settle my tab in the morning. The proprietor told me that I had a choice: either wash dishes or put the alphabet in numerical order. I think the choice is obvious.
12:27 AM Borrowed a gentleman’s top hat while the merchant was talking to another client. Left 1674 gold coins as compensation.
05:59 AM “O” is obviously 0, so it goes first. “I” looks like 1, so it goes second, then comes “A” for looking like 4, and “b” for looking like 6… “C” looks funny, so I’ll just throw it out…
My quest to put the alphabet in numerical order was a complete success. Got a slightly scuffed golden brick as a reward. I think I’d better use this brick in the back corner of the temple.
10:51 AM I didn’t try to kill this Schrödinger’s Cat, Soul Supreme, I swear! I was just cleaning under my fingernails with my weapon, minding my own business, when the Schrödinger’s Cat came from around the corner and ran into it… 16 times.
06:46 AM A monk showed me a book of prophecy that says that I’ll be the one to find out how much left is the right amount. I don’t want to, but I don’t seem to have a choice.
02:24 PM A wise man said gods don’t play dice with the universe. Here’s 174 gold coins so you can learn, Great One.
05:42 PM Apparently, right is the answer. So, no left, right?
Just as I was telling myself that my quest to find out how much left is the right amount wouldn’t complete itself, it did! Found myself with 2560 gold coins in my pockets.
06:19 PM Checked my horoscope in the Godville Times. Apparently today is a good day for me to reenact the last quest in front of a live audience. Can’t wait to get started.
06:22 PM How is it possible that one match can start a forest fire, but it takes the whole box to start a campfire?
07:25 PM The Killerbyte accepted its fate with dignity. Meanwhile, I accepted its horse armor pack and 7 gold coins with gloating and showboating.
07:33 PM I thought about giving the Cherno-bull a proper funeral, but decided to just take its wall nut and 132 coins instead. I’m not a mourning person.
07:58 PM Stopped to smell the roses. Got a bee up my nose.
02:41 AM The Bottled Water Elemental told me that it was a cursed delivery boy and had just been trying to get me to sign for a punk rocket and 28 coins this whole time. Whoops.
07:54 AM Tried to persuade the trader that my eternal gratitude was valid tender in exchange for a durable shield. He wasn’t as dumb as I hoped. Ended up giving him 2051 coins instead.
08:39 AM Wow, the audience really went wild! I didn’t expect gifts to be thrown at the stage, but what will I do with all of this overly ripe produce?
My quest to reenact the last quest in front of a live audience has been completed! Received a pot of gold. Let’s go on a shopping spree!
09:16 AM The captain of the city guard ordered me to strike an immovable object with an unstoppable force. Sir, yes sir!
09:41 AM I glanced upon a sign that had a skull and crossbones. Gave it a mustache with my quill and continued on my way.
02:22 PM Defeated the Maxwell’s Demon and relieved it of a self-restraint order and 30 gold coins. Buried its corpse in a nearby vegetable patch. May it rest in peas.
03:01 PM I had a strange vision during a prayer of the Exalted One poking pluses and minuses with a divine finger. It improved my prayer a lot.
03:13 PM Yelled “Geronimo!” then did nothing.
03:16 PM Joined a march against protesting.
04:47 PM A funeral director, an undertaker and a crowd of mournful friends have gathered to watch my imminent duel with the oncoming Thundertaker. I suddenly have a bad feeling about this!
05:49 PM Watched the world around me slowly change into a beautiful, snow-covered wonderland. For a brief moment, I almost forgot that there’s probably a monster waiting to pounce on me at the next milestone.
07:01 PM Being unstoppable, I tried to move an immovable object. Ended up with a terrible headache. Better not use my head next time.
Hope that I won’t have to strike an immovable object with an unstoppable force again. But the reward was good: an extra dose of experience and a shiny golden brick!
07:54 PM I miss yesterday. Today’s hangover makes yesterday’s look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
08:03 PM The spirits of my ancestors came to me in a vision and told me they would find no peace until I manage to count the stars in the sky. I should probably do it just to stop them from haunting me.
08:34 PM Got a little over-playful while frolicking in a flower garden. Let’s pretend those flowers were already trampled when I got here.
06:30 AM Bought a skill upgrade coupon at the local community center for 4328 coins. Used it to upgrade my “asynchronous swimming” to level 8.
06:28 AM With all this gold I could do something truly memorable in your honor, my Goddess… Oh, who am I kidding? Back to the tavern!
10:48 AM The trader offered me the world for my holey water bottle, but it wouldn’t fit in my bag, so I accepted the standard market value of 131 coins for it instead.
10:58 AM Woke up in a bathtub with a shaved eyebrow and a curly moustache scribbled on my face. Mighty One, remind me never to enter the guild drinking competition again.
11:02 AM Bokgurn and I thought up an ingenious plan to make our praying more productive. We each press one of our hands together, which frees up the other hand for objects such as beer glasses. Praying has never been more enjoyable!
11:02 AM A Godville Administrator stopped by during my prayer hour with a thank-you card signed “From all of us.” Neat.
12:32 PM One. Phew. I’m thankful I had to do this during the day.
Though I was hoping that succeeding in my quest to count the stars in the sky would win the respect and admiration of my peers, this golden brick will have to suffice.
01:29 PM The doctor told me the only way to take my mind off drinking was to devise a plan to gain the upper hand. I’m off to prove him wrong.
01:33 PM Flexed, twisted and bent around to strike the Pink Elephant’s weak spot. Contorted myself into a pretzel instead.
01:35 PM Performed a triple-combo fatality attack. The Pink Elephant applauded in awe before choreographically exploding into a shower of 31 gold coins.
01:45 PM If I can hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate!
08:56 AM Wandering on this quest, I’ve finally managed to come up with a foolproof scheme. I put glue on the doorknob, so whichever hand goes on first… I’ve got the upper one. Simple, right?
Finally completed my quest to devise a plan to gain the upper hand. Got some experience and a golden brick after a long, draggy cutscene.
08:56 AM Reached level 17. Now I am officially allowed to do the things I’ve been doing all along. Heck yeah!
09:51 AM Tried to apply for a quest-free day. The clerk told me I had to compile a list of quests that other heroes are doing in order to get the application forms.
03:13 PM My wounds are healing, the holes in my outfit are disappearing, and even my pathetic life is starting to look better. My Lady, I think I shall do something great and stupid in your honor!
04:19 PM Just checked my daily planner: I’ve got “Do not die” written down for today. Toodles, Tiny-Sized Giant — I’ll pencil you in for next week!
09:55 PM Finally! After asking nearly everyone that crossed my path, I have compiled a list of quests. Now… which one should I do next?
I have no idea how completing my quest to compile a list of quests that other heroes are doing got me a shaving sword, but I’ll take it!
09:02 AM Shouting “Victory or Death!” I heroically charged the Fifth Elephant… Next time I’ll choose my words more carefully.
08:29 PM Knelt beside a dying hero. His last words are still ringing in my ears: “See you later!"
07:43 AM Tried to get the doctor to write me a prescription for beer. Don’t know whether it worked or not, because I can’t read his handwriting.
07:46 AM Heroically rode out of town into the sunset. Then it got dark and I got hopelessly lost.
07:01 PM I glanced at my workout calendar, and yesterday’s entry was “jingle the bells all the way”. I’d better get around to doing just that…
05:57 AM Launched into an elaborate interpretive dance to illustrate the pain and sacrifices I endured to acquire my old piece of equipment. The emotional intensity of my performance awed the trader so much that he handed me 563 gold coins before I even completed the prologue.
08:54 AM Attempted to pay for a wrist dreamcatcher with my looks. The trader charged extra as a ‘strange customer’ fee.
06:28 AM I just can’t, I just can’t, I just can’t control my feet… I blame it on the Machiavillain.
09:18 AM As I stood at the rim of a deep well, I felt an insidious urge to kick someone into it. Madness.
03:45 AM Saw a homeless beaver begging by the side of the road. Didn’t give a dam.
07:17 AM Asked what the opposite of left was, what a synonym for correct was, and what a ninety degree angle was. Got the right answer every time.
A heroine’s work is never done, but my quest to ask the right questions and get the right answers certainly is! This golden brick is a nice reward for such a thankless job.
08:47 AM I looked into the kind eyes of the vanquished monster and suddenly decided — Sun Dog, you’ll be my pet! And I’ll call you Buck. Bandaged his wounds, gave him a treat and fastened the leash.
04:00 AM The Battle Hamster and I decided to ignore conventional turn-based fighting, and instead formed a wild dust cloud with our arms and legs sticking out.
04:00 AM The Battle Hamster had to perform an awesome combo, several critical strikes, three fatalities and bribe me with a golden brick before I admitted defeat.
04:39 AM I felt a cold shiver, like something just walked over my grave. Wait, it was something walking over my grave. Where are you, Luminous One?
05:58 AM At least Buck is trying to preserve my body with salt. And pepper. And a dash of paprika… Omnipotent One, please resurrect me soon!
06:12 AM As I was saying…
09:53 AM Buck was suddenly surrounded by a sparkling glow and began skipping around and humming happily. Hey, I think he just leveled up!
10:09 AM A fishing inspector jumped out of the bushes, fined me 594 coins and advised me to switch to photo hunting.
03:12 AM Bought some extra healing items. They just look so pretty in italics!
03:22 AM Cut out the middle man by pouring 307 coins directly into the tavern toilet.
09:31 AM Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time and you’ll have the time of your life. Tavern here I come!
03:05 PM Buck viciously snuggled up to the enemy, striking it with high voltage charges of static electricity.
12:37 PM Sucked all of the alcohol wipes dry while the doctor wasn’t looking. Instantly felt much better.
08:22 PM My Lady, do I look fat in this armor?
08:25 PM Dear Diary, does it look like I’ve gained weight to you?
08:29 PM Writing this diary entry feels like déjà vu.
08:36 PM Thought about doing something really nice for you, Luminous One. Didn’t actually bother doing it, knowing it’s the thought that counts. You’re welcome.
06:31 AM I’m a heroine and I’m OK; I sleep all night and I quest all day. I kill monsters, I stop and rest, I go to town when near! And when I’ve got lots of money, I waste it all on beer!
06:37 AM Watched the world around me slowly change into a beautiful, snow-covered wonderland. For a brief moment, I almost forgot that there’s probably a monster waiting to pounce on me at the next milestone.
06:31 AM The Blind Watchman is enviously eyeing my outfit. That can’t be good.
04:06 PM I had just dispatched a band of small orcs when a beautiful girl approached me and asked me if I had seen her seven gentle dwarfs… Oh, the embarrassment!
10:17 AM After several unsuccessful attempts at self-administering first aid, I have concluded that a tourniquet applied to the neck does not treat a nosebleed.
10:08 AM Realized that I left my towel at the last camp. Must. Not. PANIC!
06:37 AM As thunder rumbled and lightning split the sky, Pumba began to shine with a glorious and terrifying light. My Lady, why can’t leveling up be this impressive for me?